How to Break Up With a Guy

How to Break Up With a Guy

Without Being Too Mean
1754
views

It's not you. No, no, it's definitely him. But nobody wants to be the bad guy, we consulted some top dating experts for advice on breaking up with minimal drama and heartache.

Step 1: Take Responsibility

Maybe he's a two-timing jerk. Maybe you're a two-timing jerk. Or maybe he's just mind-numbingly boring. Whatever the reason, you need to tell him. Dragging things out only exacerbates the problem. You wouldn't want a guy to waste your time, so don't waste his.

Step 2: Plan Ahead

Lay the groundwork for a smooth breakup. Relationship coach Mitchel Fink recommends lining up a new place to live pre-breakup if you're living with your boyfriend. If you've got your own place but tend to leave things behind at his, "start removing it before the breakup," she says. "If he's borrowed stuff, make an excuse to ask for it back."

Write off little stuff like your toothbrush and old CDs. If he offers to return it, great, but it's not worth the drama.

One final consideration: If your guy's got a violent temper, bring friends with you when you get your stuff later.

Step 3: Stage the Scene of the Crime

It is not cool to dump someone by text, email, IM or Twitter. Who are you, Joe Jonas? "It always has to be in person if you have had over five or six dates," says Brad Berkowitz, author of "The 21st Century Guide to Bachelorhood."

So what's the ideal place for dropping the hammer? Lure him to a public place that's quiet, such as a park or a cafe, suggests dating writer Melissa Braverman of Single Gal in the City. "This makes it easier to keep the conversation from dragging on and limits the potential for a big scene. Sit across from him, not beside him, to communicate that you stand firm in your decision."

Make plans with a friend for an hour after you meet your guy, so you have an excuse to leave. And avoid breaking up at home, where you run the risk of a dramatic scene in which he refuses to leave (or pulls a Kenley and throws a cat at you).



Step 4: Keep It Short (If Not Sweet)

Nobody wants to use those trite sentiments ("I really need to focus on me right now"), but brutal honesty ("I'm hooking up with the hot intern at work") won't earn you any points either. Acknowledge that you care about him, but be firm when you explain that it's not working out. Skip the blame game -- it doesn't matter, and you'll only encourage a back-and-forth debate or him trying to rationalize his way out of singlehood.

Adds Braverman, "Give him the opportunity to express his feelings, but don't allow the conversation to go on for more than an hour. A protracted goodbye will only mislead him into thinking he still has a chance with you. Respect yourself and him enough to make a graceful exit."

Wear a velvet glove when blowing off a nice guy, but forget it when it comes to dumping a dirtbag -- he may try to charm (aka manipulate) you into staying. "Tell the dude 'Your bed has become too crowded to include me.' Leave him scratching his head. No drama -- over and out!" says Loveawake.com relationship expert Dr. Stella Painfree

Don't let yourself get over-emotional or over-detailed -- just be firm that it's not working for you anymore. And make it clear that your decision is final: "I just don't think we should be together right now" or waffling makes him think he's still got a chance.

Speaking of weakness, do not have breakup sex. Yes, we know, it's the only good thing about a breakup. It's also rarely good (too much weeping), loaded with mixed signals, and essentially a pity lay.

Step 5: Have a 24-Hour Plan

There's no reason to rush ahead into a friendship with your ex. You both need time to heal. Avoid places that the two of you used to frequent as a couple, or anywhere you might run into him. If you start to feel down in the dumps and like you've just thrown away your only chance of love, Dawn Masler-Ranish, author of "The Broken Picker Fixer", suggests finding a retreat buddy -- "a girlfriend you agree to call when you feel lonely and are tempted to reach for a man-daid."

If mutual friends are involved, ask him how he wants to handle the situation -- would he prefer to announce the bad news first? Be aware that friends often feel forced to take sides, so be honest with them and avoid dissing your ex.

Finally, avoid the usual broken-heart Facebook trauma by simply hiding your status or deleting it from your page, and resist the urge to leave status updates about him. Detox your page and your home by taking down lovey-dovey photos; casual, travel or party photos can stay up. Consider deleting him as your Facebook friend for the time being. It may sound harsh, but you'll feel better without the temptation to cyberstalk his profile.


Tell Us: Have you ever broken up with a guy and had it go really badly? Got any pointers? We want details!

Cover Image Credit: Flickr

Popular Right Now

An Open Letter To My Boyfriend's Mom

A simple thank you is not enough.
122962
views

Your son and I have been dating a while now and I just wanted to thank you for everything.

Wow, where do I start? Ever since the day your son brought me into your home you have shown me nothing but kindness. I have not one negative thought about you and I am truly thankful for that. I first and foremost want to thank you for welcoming me with open arms. There are horror stories of mothers resenting their son's girlfriends and I am blessed there is no resentment or harsh feelings.

Thank you for treating me like one of your children, with so much love but knowing exactly when to tease me.

Thank you for sticking up for me when your son teases me, even though I know it’s all in good fun it's always comforting knowing you have someone by your side.

Thank you for raising a man who respects women and knows how to take responsibility of mistakes and not a boy who is immature and doesn’t take responsibility.

Thank you for always including me in family affairs, I may not be blood family but you do everything you can to make sure I feel like I am.

Thank you for letting me make memories with your family.

There is nothing I value more in this world then memories with friends and family and I am thankful you want and are willing to include me in yours. I have so much to thank you for my thoughts keep running together.

The most important thing I have to thank you for is for trusting me with your son. I know how precious and valuable he is and I won't break his heart. I will do everything I can to make him happy. This means more than you could ever imagine and I promise I will never break your trust.

The second most important thing I must thank you for is for accepting me for who I am. Never have you ever wished I looked like another girl or acted like another girl. You simply love and care for me and that’s all I could ever ask. Every person in this world is a unique different person and understanding that means a lot.

The third most important thing I must thank you is teaching me how to one day in the future treat a potential girlfriend that I may interact with as a mother. I am not a mother, but I one day plan to be. If I ever have a son it is because of how you treated me that I am able to be a humble loving mother to this new face that could one day walk into my door. How you have treated me has taught me how I should one day be in the future and I thank you for that.

This may seem all over the place but that’s how my brain gets when I try and thank you for everything you have done for me. It’s all so much and even the little things are so important so I promise my scattered thoughts are all with good intentions and not meant to bombard you. I just want to get the idea across to you that you are important and special to me and everything you do does not go unnoticed.

Sincerely,

Your Son’s Girlfriend

Cover Image Credit: Christian Images and Quotes

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

My 'Boyfriend Standards' List Hasn't Changed Since I Was 14, And Thank God For That

And I found a man that matches every one of them.

708
views

When I was a freshman in high school, I bought my first journal and the first thing I did in it was write down a pretty extensive list of everything a man who wanted to date me had to possess.

Call me picky, call me extra, but I'd say it was one of the smartest things I did as a fourteen year old. Not only did it make me sit down and actually think about what I desired in a partner but it also made me acknowledge what my time, love, and attention was worth. Throughout high school I didn't date a single guy.

First year of college I met a guy, we were best friends, everyone convinced us we'd be so cute together, so we dated.

But not for long. He met a couple of my standards but definitely not all of them. I was really just an excited freshman who said, "why not go for it? We're already best friends!?" After we broke up, I dug out my now 4 year old journal and opened up to the first page. I read down the list and realized how none of those desires changed and how far he was from the list as a whole. I decided to stick to the list until I came across a man who embodied every bullet point.

- Christian/Catholic

- Sense of Humor

- Cares about personal appearance and hygiene

- Caring and selfless

- Athletic

- Smart

- Responsible

- Someone I'm able to completely open up to

- Chaste

- Sweet and loving

- Someone who treats me like the best and most precious gift from God

- Someone who never fails to make me laugh, smile, and enjoy life.

- Someone who prays with me

- Someone who never fails to amaze me with the way he cares for others and teaches others

- Someone who leads me closer to God

- Goofy

- Understanding

- Pursues me every day

Kinda well thought out huh? Kinda also really long huh? Like there's no way someone could match all of my boyfriend requirements right? Wrong. When you hold to your worth and demand nothing less, when you cling to Christ and pray that He reads your hearts desires, and when you let Him take control, he'll prove His perfect plan and providence in unlikely ways.

I found a man who is God fearing and a truth seeker.

A man who has the goofiest most dad-joke sense of humor ever. Someone who always looks presentable (maybe that's the Marines in him). A man who is so caring and selfless time and time again. Someone who is athletic and who I can compete with at the gym. Someone who has wisdom and is smart and responsible. I found a man who I can open up to and let all of my guards down. Someone who seeks a chaste life and relationship with me. A man who is sweet and loving and who respects me and holds me up as a daughter of the King. Someone who makes me laugh the most, even in inappropriate scenarios. A man that will pray with me and for me. I found a man who constantly looks out for others, lends a helping hand, and wills to educate those he can.

He leads me closer to Christ daily, understands me better than anyone, and pursues me day in and day out.

I didn't know this man existed almost 8 years ago when I first wrote out this list. But my standards didn't waiver, and if they did, the relationship failed. Holding to this list made me hold onto hope that the desires in my heart were not only mine, they were Christ's for me as well.

Related Content

Facebook Comments