As writers, we yearn to write as good as possible. We also know that writing can be hard sometimes but we do it anyway because it’s what we enjoy doing. So what can we do to improve our writing skills? Well, after spending a lot of time researching, I have found four tips that are guaranteed to improve your writing skills.
1. Be a Hermit
Alright, first thing's first, cut off all human contact from your life. Who needs friends or family? You’re a writer, you don’t need real people. The only people that should exist in your life are the ones you create in your writing. The last human contact you have should be at the supermarket after you buy enough food to last the rest of your life. Live somewhere that is as far away from people as possible too. A good way to make sure no one lives close to you would be to scream as loud as you can outside your house everyday for the first month. If no one calls the police or asks if you’re okay, you’re golden. A basement can work too if you can’t manage to find a place in the middle of nowhere. A nice bomb shelter would also suffice. And if you really want to keep it real, live in a dungeon.
2. Reflect on Life
Now before you even think about putting anything on that page make sure you stare out that window long and hard. Or if you don’t have any windows, stare at the wall. Spend hours on end pondering upon your life. Spend days, months or years if you have to. Stare into a kindling or into an ocean and wistfully think about the life you have led. This usually works best if you’re wearing a robe and smoking a pipe. If you don’t smoke use a bubble pipe instead. You can also ask yourself questions regarding how you will be moving forward in life –What will you do with all your garbage now that you’re a recluse? Should you burn it? Bury it? How would you go about killing someone who tries to make contact with you? You can also try to count the leaves on the trees or spot shapes in clouds.
3. Stare at the Sun
Did you know some of the greatest writers like Milton and Homer were blind, and what better way to get blind than to stare at the sun? Once you’ve had plenty of time to stare and think about life, you can then really focus your attention on writing once you have nothing to look at.
4. Pretend You’re Better Than Everyone Else
Now that you’re a blind recluse who has spent more time thinking instead of writing, you can really let people know how good of a writer you are. By this time I’m sure you would have grown to really form a relationship with all the fictional characters you intended to put on your page. Invite them all to have lunch with you then brag about how much better you are than them. If any of them want to start an argument with you (which they will) challenge them to a fight. Make sure you really fight dirty too and don’t show them any mercy. Bite, scratch, do whatever you can to win.
So there you have it, aspiring writers, those are four steps that are guaranteed to make you a better writer. Now if all this fails I got one last solution –just write.
