How To Be A Fuck Boy

How To Be A Fuck Boy

This is a satire about men i've seen and heard of in my life. It's for everyone. It's informal. Enjoy.


Step One: Being Distant Helps You Discern How Honest You Want To Be.

The first step to becoming a fuck-boy is to mimic genuine emotions and pretend to give a fuck about people around you. Remember, you actually don't care about others at least not genuinely. You only care about others when it's in your benefit. Your affection is conditional. So, tell her how much you love her, and that you want her sexually, romantically, or intimately even though you don't have the emotional maturity of doing so. Tell her how much you appreciate her "aesthetic" and "vibe" even though you never actually know what the fuck you mean when you said that. Tell her how you are "not like other guys" Tell her that "she deserves better and she doesn't deserve you" because you like to give false affirmation. Tell her that you only want her even though you just recently been texting her girlfriend last week. Tell her you love her, and don't mind her insecurities and throw them back in her face in the next argument.

Tell women what they want to hear because you lack so much self-esteem to actually be honest with yourself and others. You also need have an entitled complex. You are a man-child; Man-children don't need to acquire some form of effort to give genuine connection. You believe that women should suck your dick when you tell them how much you love writing about feminism in your magazine articles. No, seriously you should.

Step Two: You Expect Women To Cover Those Past Wounds

Okay for the sake of time let's say you mastered that first part so now you need to add some flavor to your dish. This tactic gets better as you age. You need to have unresolved childhood trauma and issues in your late 20's. These issues This is where you have gone through the trials and tribulations of your teen and childhood years and now you will subconsciously take them out on your partner. Tell them how your father never hugged you and mention how you never fully recovered from seeing your pet die when you were six. Talk about how you were picked on as a kid and now you are literally becoming the people that picked on you. Actually, don't do that. Don't it often anyway. Man-children are only transparent when its convenient for them. You will only tell people these things to manipulate others, so they will feel bad for you when you explain "I've always been this way". You expect others to "fix you" and or some shit like that. You don't have any agency or personal responsibility on your own to cope with your past in a healthy way so instead, you are a vampire in the night. You stalk your prey in the shadows. You are a fucking predator. You suck the emotions out of women that you barely know in the hopes they can make you feel comfortable. You tell her that most girls don't understand you even though you barely understand yourself but that's neither here or there. You like to involve other women in your internal conflicts that she hasn't even been a part of before she even met you. You have to act like a fucking idiot. Don't worry, step three will help you not feel that conflict by pure will.

Step Three: I Feel So Numb, Babe I Can't Feel You There

Fuck-boys are dismissive as fuck. They dismiss their own emotions too. They love to feel then never feel that shit again. I don't even know where to begin on this; It's like they have a switch in their brain that tells them what they feel isn't worth feeling or something? I think it's due to high levels of anxiety. They don't want others to be involved in their mess, but ironically still involve us in their mess. That's what they do. What's the next best thing to do? They do the same shit to others. Fuck-boys aren't even receptive to their own emotions let own yours. Fuck- boys reflect what's going on their heads, so they will disregard how you feel in a situation, but lord forbid if you do the same. They can be condescending in attitude when you call them out on their shortcomings and when you become a fuck-boy, be as domineering as you can and don't even bother trying to understand others. How you feel is more important.

Step Four: I'm Nice Why Isn't She Sucking My Dick?

If you haven't already, you must believe in the friend-zone. Yes, my king, a fucking zone where men go when they don't receive any form of reciprocated "love". The "nice guy" complex is something you need to establish. Instead of valuing mutual feelings and effective communication, you value the entitlement because you are a sadboi. Even though you show affection to a girl, you believe she should be with you in some way shape or form. Men-children are interesting creatures. Instead of respecting her boundaries like a mature adult or some shit, you might go the route of making her feel bad for not being with you. Why? because you are a piece of shit. Pieces of shit don't let these types of things go. You must put your energy into people that clearly don't want you and then you tell her she should be ashamed of herself for not being with an amazing guy like you. You are an amazing guy because you made her food, talked to her, and you choose to waste your own time. You think women are supposed to give you a kiss or compliment back when you do the bare minimum. The bare minimum is being a genuine person. I know crazy right? To be the fuck-boy you have to set boundaries that are in your favor only instead of your partners. You must never value your partner instead you must desire. Desire is the key element; You must desire women because you are a socially inept asshole who wants to be applauded for not being a piece of shit. You must seek the validation from women instead yourself. That's how self-confident you are. You must be socially inept. A man-child in trainee such as yourself can't form genuine connections because you believe any women that sits down, smokes weed with you and talks about the stars is your future wife. In training to be a man-child, you have to be a shallow person. You must be superficial and vain. This your protein-shake before your fuckboy workout. You must have the social skills of a rock. Your social skills have to be so bad whenever you are out with your friends you think having conversations with women is called "spitting game." Yes, you have to think this way. Having elevator conversations is spitting game because you could never fathom just being genuine friends with women. The conversations must sound like you're a receptionist, but like for yourself? It's like the conversation itself is an empty hollow shell of its former self. Just like you. Okay, so we got that out the way. Let's get serious for a second.

Conclusion: What Is This Really About?

The act of being a fuck-boy is heavily constructed with predatorial qualities. The construction of these qualities is strategically in place to exploit women; It's an extension of hyper masculinity and toxic masculinity which has shown to be harmful to men who don't qualify of this phenotypical structure of what normative masculinity looks like. This continuation of identity configuration is built on gender subordination in which cis-heteropatriarchal men benefit from. I've been there. I've done that. I have seen that. My job is to express my distaste in the immature way's men show these predatory qualities. These issues are normalized and have been weaved in our dating lives. This is a problem that resurfaces in the violent patriarchy that drips down into the dichotomy of our relationships. This can be in any relationship from open, platonic, physical, romantic, marriage, friend with benefits, etc. Patriarchy's root is violence to women. This may not always be physical, and it isn't always outward or even noticeable to the predator or the victim. It's a covalent bond of shared energy between the mans internalized self-violence therefore the women they interact are victims to it. Women can suffer from this systematically, however; women on an interpersonal level can control the level in who they interact with to avoid this exploitation. It's the mentality by men that women must cater to these toxic traits and overall exist for the comfort and self-satisfaction men seek. This isn't because men are born with cis-heteropatriarchal ideology. It's the inherited knowledge from family, friends, and the environment that enforces harmful ways to exploit women under patriarchy. On an individual level. Men that aren't happy or get the satisfaction usually blame women because unfortunately women are seen to be the emotional barriers and caregivers to men.

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A Special Thank You To The Man With The Weight Of Five Worlds On His Shoulders

Even when our baggage becomes almost unbearable, your sacrifices never go underappreciated and don't forget that to us, every day is Father's Day.


This is a thank you to the dad who has the onset of shoulder tendinitis, yet continues to carry the weight of five worlds on his shoulders, including his own. Even when our baggage becomes almost unbearable, your sacrifices never go underappreciated and don't forget that to us, every day is Father's Day.

Thank you for being Mr. Mom when needed

Every family has their issues, and you were able to be a super Mr. Mom when it was necessary. From doing the dreadful shift work, to cooking, cleaning, and raising us high-maintenance firecrackers who seemed to only deepen the hole in your pocket; despite the weight of all these worlds on your shoulders, we were still able to travel the world on a budget (thanks to Disney's Epcot), wait by the front door on Thursday Chinese food nights, and overall have a positively memorable childhood, because of you. Those strained shoulders were there for us to cry on, to uplift us when we were down, and to also play pool chicken fight on. So thank you for being the Mr. Mom when we needed it most.

Thank you to the major can't-catch-a-breaker

If anyone has endured the cursed domino effect of drastic events, it's you. But if anyone has been able to bounce back like a tennis ball on steroids, it's also you. Thank you for finding the light and God in every tragedy, in every seemingly unfair situation, because it taught me the importance of resilience. Reaction and mindset are the keys to greatness. Thank you, even though you're a can't-catch-a-breaker, you made me realize that without pain, wisdom cannot be gained.

Thank you for making me the woman I am today

And for making me a spitting image of you. The perfectionism and obsessive-compulsive behaviors are bittersweet, but I'm happy to have acquired the hard working, ambitious, yet sometimes overly goofy Steve genes. Soon I'll be able to help alleviate your shoulder pain by taking my own world onto my shoulders. Your life lessons, sacrifices, and support prepared me for the "real world." I appreciate your pure soul daily and would stay in to watch Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives any Friday night with you.

In my family, Father's Day is every day. Then what makes today different? Probably just the signature at the bottom of the dinner bill. (And don't worry, there's also a Home Depot gift card included with this article).

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