With Donald Trump leading the GOP in a national election, a major hurricane threatening the East Coast, and Apple’s deletion of the headphone jack, it’s safe to say that things are getting pretty scary in America. The most terrifying event sweeping the nation though? Freakin’ clowns.
It all started last month in Greenville, South Carolina when two men dressed as clowns were seen trying to lure children into the woods. This event alone is creepy enough, but the insanity didn’t stop there. Instead, America took a step back and thought, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is horrible, but how can we try to make it worse?”
The answer is simple: Turn clown sightings into a nationwide epidemic.
Since the initial event, dozens of people have come forward with horrifying stories of their own. In most of the footage, clowns are seen standing under isolated street lamps in the middle of the night, just watching people pass by. In more disturbing videos, the clowns chase after their victims, often wielding weapons such as broomsticks, bats, and even chainsaws.
In times of bizarre widespread terror, it’s important to stay safe. There are 8 simple rules to surviving horror films, and since we’re all living in one right now, you might want to follow them.
8. Don’t Do Drugs
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This should be pretty self-explanatory, but you obviously won’t be in the best fighting conditions if you’re super high when a clown approaches you. In horror films, this rule exists because the least moral characters are typically the most likely to die. In this situation, it’s just so you’ll have your wits about you during clown attacks.
7. Don’t Have Sex
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Similar to the drug rule, this rule exists in movies to weed out the corrupt characters and save the pure. In reality, you should probably abstain for a while just to keep yourself prepared. Because really, when are you ever more vulnerable than when you’re naked and lying down? Plus, nothing kills the mood like a good ole clown invasion.
6. LISTEN TO WARNINGS
Spoiler alert: When a soothsayer comes along and gives a character advice, they’re usually right. I don’t really recommend talking to sketchy guys lurking around on sidewalks or creepy kids with highly insightful “imaginary friends,” but if a stranger tells you there’s danger ahead, listen to them. It’s probably a clown, and it’s probably smart to run in the opposite direction. Also, listen to the news. If your local station is warning you that the park is littered with men wearing white makeup and red wigs, maybe take your picnic to the beach instead.
5. Stay with the Pack
It’s simple: If you decide to leave a party to take a midnight swim in the nearby lake, Jason Voorhees will be waiting there for you. Likewise, if you leave your friends at the bar to walk to Taco Bell by yourself at 1:00 am, a clown will be hiding somewhere in the parking lot.
4. Never Assume the Villain is Dead*
Jesse Eisenberg explained it the best in Zombieland: Always go for the double-tap. If you find yourself in an altercation with a crazed clown and somehow managed to knock him out, don’t assume that he’s actually incapacitated. Keep an eye on that psycho until the police come. If you turn your back, he’ll probably rise back to his feet slowly and silently á la Michael Myers.
*Note: I do not recommend killing your clown attacker. Just try to subdue him until you can contact the authorities or escape. I repeat, do not kill the clown.
3. Trust No One
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How could Sidney have known that Billy and Stuart were sharing the Scream mask? Why would a group of kids on a road trip suspect that the Sheriff wanted to lure them to Leatherface? Horror movies usually depend on having a good twist. And let’s be real: Life isn’t always predictable. That crazy clown stalking your neighborhood is someone’s best friend, someone’s son, someone’s coworker, someone’s significant other… Maybe they’re yours.
2. Don’t Play with Ouija Boards
Okay, so this isn’t exactly applicable to the clown epidemic, but it’s just good advice. Absolutely nothing good can come from summoning the dead. Just don’t do it.
1. Never Say “Who’s there?” or “I’ll Be Right Back”
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Listen up. If someone is stalking you in the darkness, it’s likely that they already know your exact location; but in the off chance that they don’t, you should never announce yourself to the mysterious noise.
Often times, there’s no logic to this rule. It’s not like there’s a reasonable cause-and-effect process that links these words to an attack. It’s just something that happens. Saying these phrases puts a magical force into motion—and that magical force is imminent death.
