Hello. I'm Austin. You don't know me, and I definitely don't know you, but I'm here to help you today. What's that you say? You don't need help? You came here to read mentally stimulating content, and if you wanted help you'd get a self help book (or something)? And how do I even know that you need help anyway? All of those are fantastic questions, and I'm going to answer them below (indirectly).

Okay, so listen. I want you to assess where you are in your life right now. Maybe you failed three classes last year, and have yourself a 2.3 GPA, or maybe you're sittin' pretty with a tidy little 4.0 GPA and graduated #1 in your class. Or maybe you're somewhere inbetween, and are feeling embarrassingly mediocre. Whatever your situation, the number one question I want you to ask yourself is: Am I crushing it?

Now, you may be asking yourself: "What is crushing it? It sounds pretty cool to me. How can I set about doing it?" In which case I would tell you to "Slow down, Eager McBeaver." To accurately explain what "Crushing it" is, I consulted the dictionary. Since it's the twenty-first century, I expected to find the definition right away, but-

Nothing. Obviously, the hacks over at Merriam-Webster aren't quite as interested in "crushing it" as you and I, and it shows. No matter. Being the internet-savvy guy I am, I decided to go prowling about the "deep web" and go to the most underground place I could find-Urban Dictionary. A few definitions for "crushing it" came up, all of them incorrect. Or, at least the three I read were.

So, I decided to say "Screw it." and whipped up this handy little definiton for you in MS Paint.

There. See that? Read it. Read it again. Analyze it, re-analyze it, cross examine it, take it for a date, I really don't care. Just know it. If you suddenly think you have an idea of what "Crushing it" is, and you're thinking: "Oh! It's like "Winning". No. Get out. It's not at all like winning, Winning is for losers, actually. Winning isn't even close to crushing it. So, if your goal is "winning", go talk to Charlie Sheen, because I'm here to teach you how to crush it. Now that we've made that distinction, let's move on.

The first step to crushing it is to ask yourself if you really want to crush it. Do you really want to be your best? Do you really want to be an alpha-person? Are you ready to put in the effort it takes to crush it? Yes? Then keep on reading, because this party is just gettin' started.

The second step to absolutely crushing it is to cut out everyone in your life who's going to prevent you from crushing it. Mom telling you to "do your homework", "take out the trash", or "get a better attitude"? Bye, mom! Cut off all contact. Go live with a friend, a family member, or a homeless shelter, but for the love of God, cut her off. No good for someone looking to absolutely crush it. Grandma telling you that you don't see her as much as you used to ever since you started driving on your 16th birthday? Time to cut out the cookie baker, because you've got crushing to do.

Wow, look at that. We're getting ready to wrap this thing up, with the next to last step to crushing it. Step three-or four (?) - I'm really not sure, I don't look back. WHOOPS! Guess who just accidentally told you the next step to completely crushing it? That's right. The next step to crushing it is to never look back, ever. Take a test, and not too sure how you did? Don't follow up. Assume you aced it, and move on. Go to the doctor complaining of breathing difficulty, and he tells you to come back in for a follow up? Nope. Don't even bother telling the guy (or woman, no sexism here.) that you won't be making that rodeo. You'll be fine, as all people who crush it are. The point is to never look back, and always assume everything you do has been done the absolute best way possible and that anyone who disagrees with you is just a hack and is trying to steal your thunder.

Oh boy. Here we are at the end of this thing. Kind of sad, really. But, it was about time because the sooner you crush it, the better. The last step to absolutely and completely 100% crushing it is eating more protein. Fish, beans, milk. Make them all staples of your everyday diet, because the day you stop eating them is the day that you stop crushing it. Gorge yourself on copious amounts of protein, and I promise you that your crushing-it-levels will increase ten-fold as soon as you do.

Alright, crushing-itters, that's my time, and my eyes are getting tired. Thank you for reading. As soon as you apply all of these steps to your life, you'll be well on your way to crushing it. Well, what are you still doing here? Crush it!