The stage can impact just about anyone's life. Standing up and doing anything (or nothing) in front of an audience requires and builds a level of confidence, whether it be acting, singing, or playing an instrument, speaking, even. Given the wide variety of reasons people perform, almost anyone can say they've been in front of an audience at least once. But, not everyone can say they've had an emotional connection to three walls and a curtain the way I have.

My addiction to the idea of presenting a piece to a group of people (who may or may not hate what you're doing) began as far back as I can remember, choir, band, my 4th grade play, singing at church, anything I could get my hands on. Some kids grow up reading every book within sight, finding comfort in blankets and rainy days and the words of another story. I find my comfort in the auditorium, the endless nights spent rehearsing scene after scene, the frustration and the joy of the process. That's where I belong, that's my home, that's my safety. It has always been that way.

But, that safety wasn't always so accessible to me, and that home wasn't always the greatest for me. I'm not talking about the physical structure- I've performed in a gorgeous auditorium with all new and updated systems of lights and sound and mics, and I've performed in one that absolutely needed some (and is thankfully receiving) some fixing. But, there's something to be said and known about houses and families; It's not the beauty or size of the house itself..... it's what's inside.

I had always had the passion of performing, but until I discovered the current Drama program I am thankfully a part of, my emotional connection to performing was missing. Previously, acting and putting on a show seemed to be more of an individual process rather than a group effort. Doesn't make sense, does it? There was a social hierarchy intertwined to the cast like that of a vine to a porch railing.

This subconsciously forced everyone to congregate into separate groups. The cast wasn't a family, it was a gathering of cliques mostly organized by age. But, not only were we isolated from each other, we were isolated from our own set. We were hardly allowed to touch it, let alone design it, create new ideas, add new things, paint it, build it, anything. It created a barrier; the piece didn't feel like it was mine. I didn't feel like a part of the process, I just felt like a puppet who said the lines I was given and walked away when I was finished. At curtain calls, there were no big uncontrollable smiles. There were fake, "oh thanks for coming" smiles, because I wasn't proud of my work. I hardly did anything besides memorize a handful of lines and say them loud enough for people to hear me.

That being said, when I moved schools and drama programs, I began feeling proud of my work. I was trusted with input on the set, we were allowed (and expected) as a group to design, build, paint, and decorate sets, find suitable costumes and props for our character, set up the light and sound systems according to the mood and setting of the play, and, obviously, know our character better than we know ourselves. It taught me a great, great deal of responsibility. It also gave me a greater understanding of a real-world concept- the seniors didn't always get the leads. The seniors didn't always get a final say in what happened or how something was going to work. Everyone seemed to be on an equal level- everyone had a fair chance. For a while... I had trouble believing the phrase

I am capable.

My current director has sat in front of me and said things like "I believe in you" and "I wouldn't give you this opportunity if I didn't think you could handle it.".... and I wouldn't believe it. Not for a second. It wasn't because I didn't think he was being truthful... Its because I didn't see myself as worthy or able to take on the challenges I was given. But, you live and you learn. Finally, after being casted as a lead role within 2 months of moving to my school, being asked to produce a group of seniors in a very serious and emotional play, being casted as another lead role and being the head of the set art/design committee in the same play, I could finally say, truthfully...

I. Am. Capable.

I learned a lot about people- about how everyone thinks differently and perceives differently (and how to work with that), that not everyone is going to be nice, that not everyone will listen, and an abundance more of people skills. But, seeing myself as capable is absolutely the most important thing I've learned.