I started attending church around the age of 11. Shortly after, I was old enough to go to youth group, where I heard countless sermons about premarital sex and its consequences. Before I dissect some fundamental problems that lie within the way preachers discuss sex, I would like to clarify that I have no animosity against any churches I have been part of or against any pastors who shepherded me. The problems in these messages, I believe, lie in their delivery, not in their deliverer. However, that being said, the church as a whole has unknowingly, (or perhaps knowingly,) taught young people to idolize sex through fear of the act.

I can't recall all of the sermons I've sat through regarding sexual purity; that's how many there were. I'm confident that anyone who grew up in the church has heard these phrases more than once:

"It will be more special if you save it for marriage."

"You are always connected to someone once you have sex with them."

"You can never take it back once you give it away."

There are some of the more harsh warnings which, though they are jarring, are all too frequently preached.

I am not saying that the above statements are not necessarily true, but I can say that there are many truths people neglect to preach along with those harsh ones. Scripture tells us that saying a partial truth is the same as a lie, and I think that preaching only part of the truth regarding sexual purity has caused equal damage.

Regarding the first statement, I can testify that many women I know saved their virginity till marriage, expecting their honeymoon to be an angelic experience carved by perfection. I can also testify that many of those women were disappointed.

Why?

Girls especially had it ingrained in their brains by the church that sex will be more enjoyable if we wait for it. While I know that this is true in certain respects, the simplicity of that promise caused many of us to think that love-making would be flawless, free of awkwardness, and so full of joy that we would think, "wow, I'm so glad I waited!" Don't get me wrong, none of my married friends have told me that they regretted waiting. However, nearly all of them did say that they wished they hadn't been made to think that sexual encounters in marriage are perfectly pleasurable simply because they are in the guidelines of matrimony. God certainly blesses obedience, but first-time experiences in general do not often go the way we imagine they might.

Now, as with most of the sermons regarding sex, the second statement bears some truth too. There are obvious reasons why God frowns upon sex between unmarried persons, one of these reasons being that sex is a bonding act. The way it was often presented to me either in the form of a ladies' small group or youth group retreat was that if you have sex with someone and end that relationship, you won't be able to fully enjoy sex in marriage.

Hang on.

What about God's redemption? What about forgiveness? If God washed all of my sin away, made me white as snow, and said that if I "confess my sins He is faithful and just to forgive" me, why should the sexual act of sin taint every relationship from then on out? It shouldn't. All sin has earthly consequence, and some of those consequences are more severe than others. However, for women especially, the notion that any man we marry who has had sex before cannot love us the same, has caused unwarranted anxiety in our relationships. Because the church told us that sex connects us irrevocably to our sexual partner, we were made to think that those bonds could never be broken. I beg to differ.

God restores broken relationships. God forgives and forgets. Perhaps most importantly, "He makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him." Before you teach your children that sex is a special, bonding act between two people, remind them that if they or someone else should fail in that area, that there is redemption in Jesus.

Finally, it is obviously true that once you have sex, you cannot technically give your virginity away to someone else. What about people who become Christians after having sex? What about those who have repented of what they did in the past and are willing to abstain from sex again until marriage? It seems to me that these people should be able to enter marriage with excitement about new and holy sex, rather than wishing that they had waited so it could be "special again." 2 Timothy 2:21 tells us, "Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart and holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work."

There's a fairly thick line between teaching adolescents the biblical truth regarding sex and giving them a bad taste in their mouth about the whole idea. I've seen Christian girls struggle with their body image because they were preached to so often about their skin being nothing more than a stumbling block for men. I've seen couples enter marriage feeling fearful about something that should be exciting, because they were taught to avoid it more than any other sin in their single years.

I can personally say that, as a young Christian, I wished that the church had made it a point to cover more topics beside the sin of sex. Rather than being cautioned against what not to do, I can't help thinking that it would have been more valuable for my spiritual life had I been told what to do. Things like how to pray, how to worship, and how to evangelize were so seldom covered. It's the church's job to help one another grow in faith, not to indoctrinate them with them with fear.

It is our job as the next generation of Christian parents and pastors to be more wise when teaching our children about sex and their bodies. Who wants to join me?