When I was a kid, my mother always told me to "sit up straight," for fear of becoming the next Quasimodo (with boobs). Needless to say, it is common for parents to discipline their children -- wash the dishes, eat your sprouts, clean up your room. From sitting up with our backs straight, to writing neatly along the lines, we have been conditioned that evenness and uniformity are pivotal towards success. Straightness has essentially become normative, but with recent social justice advancements and LGBTQ movements, how are we to determine who is what, and what is who? As a service to society, here is a quiz you can take to determine where you lie on the scale of sexuality.
1. You see someone you like at the bar. What's your flirting style?
a) Walk up and start a conversation. You've got nothing to lose.
b) "You look familiar... do you use Tinder?"
c) "I really like you," Raise your hand and offers a fist bump. "No homo!"
d) Set yourself on fire and profess your undying love for them. Tell them you have the hots for them.
2. If you were in a modern day sitcom, what would your catchphrase be?
a) "Oh, boy."
b) "PATRIARCHY."
c) "No homo!" followed by a fist bump.
d) "Girl," because you would refer to everyone and everything with it.
3. How do you feel about the legalization of same-sex marriages in the United States?
a) Make your FaceBook profile picture rainbow colored.
b) Turn down businesses with supporters and fight for religious freedom.
c) Parade around Pride while donning "No Homo" shirt.
d) Google "how to make FaceBook picture rainbow."
4. How would you come out to your family?
a) "Mom, Dad -- I'm straight."
b) "Mom, Dad -- I'm not as straight as you think."
c) "Mom, Dad -- no homo." Fist bump.
d) Throw glitter in their faces and run away, then maybe join the circus as a lion tamer since nothing scares you anymore.
5. How would you react if your best friend came out to you as heterosexual?
a) Embrace them as you croon with absolute pride, like it's a big deal.
b) Ask how sex works.
c) Fist bump and pulls out a beer. "Me too, no homo."
d) Cease friendship.
6. Adam and ________.
a) Eve.
b) Steve.
c) "No homo!"
d) A whole sack of lemons because he likes lemonade.
7. How many TV shows that include LGBTQ representation have you watched?
a) "Does Glee count?"
b) "Amber Rose, 'nuf said."
c) "I guess a couple, but no homo, bro."
d) "I don't own a TV because Big Brother is always watching."
8. Have you ever taken the Kinsey Scale test?
a) Yes.
b) No (take it!).
c) Somehow manage to get the computer to read "no homo."
d) Just taken it and in denial with your results. Burn your computer and don't get the chance to finish this quiz.
9. How would you respond to homophobia?
a) Take any and all chances to correct homophobic behavior.
b) Use your Tumblr blog to eradicate online homophobia.
c) "No homophobia, bro." Fist bump with everybody that also uses the phrase "no homo." Open up bottles and suddenly it's a beer commercial.
d) Buy a spandex suit and become the world's first vigilante who fights homophobia by night.
10. Finally, why did you take this quiz?
a) To reaffirm your sexuality.
b) No particular reason.
c) Wanted to ask the author why the quiz wasn't called "How No-Homo Are You?"
d) Bored in the hospital after setting yourself on fire at the bar.
For every question that you pick (a) award yourself one point. For every (b) two points, (c) three points, and (d) four points. Add them all together, and then realize the ridiculousness of this quiz, and that it does not calculate your degree of "straightness" in any scientific way, or any way at all. In fact, understand that sexuality is fluid and non-binary. Just because your favorite color has always been green doesn't mean that you can't also like purple -- similarly, in a society where boys are conditioned to like girls, and girls to like boys, don't be intimidated to like anybody you want. Fight heteronormativity.
And please, for the love of god, stop people who use "no homo" religiously. This has been a PSA.
