My faith used to be this constant source of love and compassion.

It used to give me perspective on my own worries, so that I was able to focus and empathize with others.

My faith used to bring me solace in times of desperation and chaos.

But my faith does not exist anymore.

I have lost it.

And I don’t know if I want it all back either.

Growing up, I was raised in the catholic faith.

I went to bible class, I made my communion, and yes, I wore the white dress.

But religion never felt like it was something that we choose to have in our lives, it was always just there.

It was already present, and so it never really connected with me.

Until high school, I never truly let God in.

But when I attended a catholic high school, my perspective changed.

I realized it was something I could choose if I wanted, but I realized I wouldn’t be loved any less if I didn’t.

This was the biggest realization to me.

Another realization I made in high school was that I didn’t need faith for myself and my own security- which I always found selfish and backwards growing up.

Instead, I used my beliefs to pray for those I saw struggling around me.

I would pray silently for my friends going through a hard time.

I would hugs those upset and tell them I was there for them.

This is what kept my faith alive. This is what kept my soul-engine running throughout high school.

Because I wasn’t obsessed over my own end-game.

I wasn’t worried about boys or drama with friends.

My faith let me be the friend.

It let me be the rock for those who felt like everyone around them was like scattered sand.

But as time went on, and I left for college, I lost my faith.

I didn’t have my home base at school where I would always find my center.

Sure, there were catholic clubs, but just because you have the same theological faith, doesn’t mean you understand someone’s soul faith.

That of which we stand our ground.

Of which we live everyday by, and every step we take, we know is a reflection of how we’ve chosen to live.

I don’t believe in all that catholicism preaches about.

I find it very narrow-minded and exclusive for my taste.

And that is exactly what I loved about high school.

Because even if you were catholic, they didn’t hold you up to that standard.

The only standard they held us to was that they expected us to practice compassion, love and to live out all things good.

I didn’t have that at college, and somehow, I turned to the one thing I think we all turn to when we don’t focus on others:

I turned to myself, and my problems.

I looked at the fact that I was miserable and felt alone.

I felt that I didn’t deserve this happening to me.

I looked at the parts of my life that had gone to sh*t and felt that I deserved to be on my own and to be happy.

Obviously, deserving I was not, because I didn’t hold true to who I was, and what I had lived for so passionately in years past.

I had no regard for anything higher than myself.

In this short time span from my freshman year of college to now, I have taken a lot of blows to my ego, and to my being.

I came back home (which usually doesn’t happen until after college kids graduate- I sure jumped the gun on that one).

I went to the local community college, not because I needed to, but because I chose that is what I needed to make sure I didn’t lose my hunger to learn.

I had to take a step back in order to move forward.

At the time, even though this was only a few months ago, I thought it was because I couldn’t handle it then.

I just “wasn’t ready”.

The truth is, I was ready. I had been ready to be on my own for a long time.

I was more than capable of taking care of myself by that time.

But that was not the point.

The point was, I was so internally focused on myself, I would have failed if I had stayed at the same school.

I was so focused on my own success and more importantly my own failures- instead of focusing on what my education can do for others.

I was not “goal-oriented”, I was “me-oriented”.

I needed to take a step back and do some soul-searching.

What was I doing all of this for?

What was the point?

Luckily, I have been fortunate enough to have figured it out so soon.

Being able to step back and gain perspective was the best thing I could have done, because I now know what I want, and who I want to help along the way.

I know who is in my life for the long haul, who is there for me and now I know how to be there for them too.

I have a hunger more than ever now that I didn’t before, a hunger to get my education and do all these great things.

And be all of these great things.

The only part missing in my life right now is faith.

I don’t have it. I don’t know if it has left, or if it is just hiding, but I am being very careful.

I am tip-toeing around it, not wanting to disrupt it’s sleep.

I know that faith and the big G-O-D questions cannot be forced or be answered on call.

It is an ever-changing part of our lives.

So I am not forcing it.

I pray when I see fit.

When I see someone who needs help or guidance.

But for now, I am just living with goodness in my heart and good intentions for all.

And even if I don’t know who or what the higher power is anymore, I know that there is one.

And knowing that there is something far greater than me, is everything I need right now.