Let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, I have seen the light! And by light, I mean the alien ghosts that constantly fly around us in order to improve our Theta levels. My poor, lonely soul was walking down the street the other day, when I stumbled upon a copy of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard. The things that I came upon stunned and shocked me, dear readers.
Man did not evolve from the sea and he was not placed here by God. No, his mind was filled with the ancient ghosts from the Galactic Council, created when the Lord Xenu froze them all in stone and then threw them into Earth volcanoes. Now, you may be asking, "Nolan, how does your silly, little creation story help me in my daily life?" To that I say that John Travolta will hunt you down and make you pay for your insolence. But I also say that Scientology has a solution to all of your mental health problems!
If you're feeling a little blue, then the solution is not to see a psychologist about depression. No, American psychology is a sham and SHOULD BE ERADICATED!!!!! The answer to your problem is much, much simpler. All you have to do is give money to the church, and you will be bequeathed with psychic powers by Merciful Xenu. The more money, the happier you are. So spend, spend, spend!
Please, join the most powerful religion in all of Hollywood! We can help improve your life by exploiting you for our own personal gain teaching you the words of our wise L. Ron Hubbard, reincarnated on this Earth as Tom Cruise's daughter. And to those of you claiming that this is a cult...sh-shut up!
