I want to write, but I struggle to put my emotions into words. I want to write, but how can I when I can't put down the words I'm afraid to say?
I want to be able to adequately put my struggles on paper, but sometimes those struggles don't come out in lyrical spews and rhyming sentences. Sometimes the tears that have fallen on the paper and the smudged pencil and lines and the words that are written time after time represent my emotions more than my words ever could. It shows internal conflict. It shows fear. It shows sadness. It shows uncertainty.
I am a writer and I crave to make art out of my tears and sunsets with my blood. I crave to make people feel something, anything. I crave to pluck a heartstring and steal someone's breath away. Because even though everyone is different, we are all the same in many ways, and I crave to capture that. I crave to capture what everyone goes through and allow someone to read it and finally know that they are not alone.
If I touch one person, just one, then I have done my job. If I can use my words to connect hearts and human beings, then I have done my job. I want to capture the raw emotions that no one talks about and the hardships that everybody goes through once in their lifetime. My job as a writer is to ignite fires within people and bring tears to people's eyes.
I battle with this every day. I battle with myself to get it out and write it down. I battle with myself to write what I'm afraid of writing because the moment it's on paper, it becomes real. How does any writer handle this? How does any writer take their most intimate thoughts and experiences and write it for the whole world to see? When I share my work, I suddenly become vulnerable. I become vulnerable because I give a piece of myself in the words and suddenly, anyone can get their hands on it and read the words that strip me bare. I guess that's the price you pay when you're a writer, right?
Being a writer is so much harder than anyone realizes because you are forced to become in touch with your emotions and everything that you have kept buried, because the moment you write, there is always truth in the words. The moment your pen meets paper, you are open to revealing things about yourself that you weren't even aware of. The story could be completely fictional, something you totally made up, but even then, bits and pieces of yourself bleed through. It's always there, whether it's underlying or flat out in the open.
However, even though being a writer is rather difficult because let's be real here, not every writer feels 100% motivated to write all the time, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I wouldn't trade it for the world even with all the frustration of hitting the pesky writer's block. I wouldn't trade it for the world because it allows me to have a voice and it allows me to connect with people I don't even know.
Can you think of anything more powerful than that?
I have the ability to one day change someone's life. I have the ability to unbeknownst reach out to struggling teenagers who think they're alone in the world with what they're feeling and prove to them that they aren't, that someone finally understands.
You see, the cool thing about being a writer is that over time, you'll be able to witness your growth. You'll see all the struggles you overcame and how far you have come since then. I look back on the poetry I wrote in eighth grade and during my freshman year and I am constantly amazed at how much I've changed and how much I've gotten through since then.
The poetry that was once depressing and full of doubt blossomed into poetry full of optimism and the beauty of the world around me, something that 15 year-old-me couldn't have written. I used to only be able to write when I was at my lowest of lows, but now I am able to write about love, happiness, and the way I finally feel alive.
No matter what happens, I have found comfort in the fact that paper will always be here for me, no matter what. I have found comfort in the fact that paper will always listen. Because even when I feel like I'm drowning, my writing gives me the air that allows me to breathe. Writing quickly became my coping mechanism, my anchor, and eventually, in many ways that so many people are not aware of, I found that writing ended up saving my life.