When I found out I didn't get into NYU for my freshman year of college I was devastated. I had found out my early decisions from both NYU before my winter concert and I was so sad and broken throughout that entire concert but managed to hold it together for my fellow singers.

For months I was depressed-barely wanted to sleep, barely ate, cried all the time- I'd watch videos until 11:30 at night just to tire myself, even though I had class at 8:00 the next morning, just so once my head hit the pillow I wouldn't have to think about how horrible my life was.

I had counted on NYU as a guaranteed ticket to a good future, and the dream life that I was meant to have and now missing out on. I was so upset that my dream life that I had waited all of middle school and high school to live had to be put on hold for at least a year.

I was like that up until I met a person who made me feel alive inside and made me look forward to going to school. I was so grateful for that person because they made me feel so good about myself and renewed my hope in the future and belief in my goals. And while I truly believed they were my friend and they would always be there for me, years later It hit me hard that the friendship was not as reciprocal as I thought and they were just taking advantage of me and weren't going the extra mile to treat me like a real friend.

Well, I thought, at least I still had to hear back from Boston University. BU was equal to NYU in prestige, reputation, and selectivity. It was also a huge urban school with strong programs in the arts as well as business, both of which I was interested in. If I got in to BU, I figured, I would still go to a good school and be happy.

I didn't get in to BU. And when that happened reality hit me that since I wouldn't be going to a prestigious school next year I needed to pick a place to go for at least a year, knock out some gen-ed's, and transfer from. I decided to apply to a state university close to my home, that I would dorm at to get the "real college experience". I got in because my grades and test scores made me overqualified for the school if anything, according to my guidance counselor. I got accepted into the honors program, no problem.

I was miserable there my whole first year. I felt like I was trapped living a life that wasn't mine- that I was stuck living a life I didn't want to be living. I cried on and off throughout my move-in day. I got comfort from my amazing best friends that are still my best friends to this day. My self-esteem, I'm sorry for my former self to say but also not ashamed because it is my past, largely came from and was fed by my friendship and continued contact with someone from high school and who was still there. They made me feel like I mattered and I meant something in the world and would tell me all these nice things like "You're already becoming a success and you haven't even started classes yet" and "you just gotta show everyone how strong you are", and I'm not gonna lie, that support really helped me through those first few months. It made me feel like I was worth something, and more importantly it assured me I was still important to the person I had left behind. To the people I had left behind. It assured me I still had that place of being an important person and mattering as long as I was associated with them (which is ridiculous to me now, because people have always loved me because I'm me, not because of my association with them).

I'd base my whole happiness on whether they'd reply to my messages and what they'd reply, how long it would last. Because they were the only thing holding me afloat. Some situations that I thought I prayed I was reading wrong but later discovered I was 100 percent correct about tortured me and stressed me out, leaving me barely able to concentrate on studying for finals. Maintaining my relationship with that person was my number one priority.

I stayed going to club meetings of an org in which the majority of the people were exclusive towards me just so I can show proof that I had a social life, just like them, with "cool" people just like them. I was so insecure about how much "cooler" their friends were than me that I forgot about my own strengths: how smart I was, what a great student I was, my unique way of seeing the world- because deep down I knew they didn't value those traits- in me or at all. All they cared about was seeming cool to other people and partying. And I let that mentality infect me- the first part at least. I was and am very uncomfortable with being around drunk people and wasn't going to go to a party that they weren't even at because of that.

I visited my old high school very often and loved it because all my friends there and teachers have always been amazing and warm and have always welcomed me with open arms. Every time I interacted with this person though there was always MOST OF THE TIME either an issue that made me cry and I was forced to confront them about, or a time where I felt manipulated into not confronting them about my pain because "the pain they went through was so much worse".

Not once did they visit me at college, make serious plans to visit me, or even invite me to sit in class with them, even though my real friends have always offered. I should have seen the signs. I should not have made excuses for this person but I was so desperate to see the good in them because they were the one thing that really made me feel like I mattered. Plus I didn't want to admit to myself that I made a mistake. That I spent all this time, wasted all this time on someone who could give zero fucks about me.

It wasn't until I introduced myself to and interacted with someone who was all the things they should have been and treated me a hundred percent better than they did even though we only talk online and had only known each other for a month- that I realized my "friend" had been treating me terribly for a while and I let it happen. I tried confronting them multiple times, but my messages were either unopened or ignored. And you know what? That's life. Sometimes you don't get the closure or explanation you need. Although I have a strong theory as to why I was being treated like this and why this conflict was handled the way that it was, and understand that, it doesn't mean I have to be okay with it, or put up with it.

I rediscovered my own power this past year, writing my own play based on my horrible experience (which had a happy ending because I was still hopeful at the time I wrote it), channeling my emotions into poetry and songwriting, and succeeding academically. I also got to be in a Musical for the first time in years and met someone in addition to my online friend who showed me and continues to show me how a real friend should treat you, with actions, not words.

And I got into a college I'm very excited about most likely attending and I'm excited to take advantage of all the oppourtunities I'll be given there, continue to make amazing friends, and live my best life.