As I drive, the scene replays in my head, so vividly, it is as if I can watch it happening in front of me. I can hear the words being screamed. Words that hurt so bad, I feel physical pain in my stomach. I start answering the screams in my head out loud. My screams pierce the silence in my car as I drive, I am alone. My chest starts to tighten up, it feels as if someone is clenching my heart, so it can no longer beat, and I can no longer breathe.
Everything in my body is tingling before the numbness takes over. I feel myself starting to slip, to lose it — to lose all control of who I am and every last ounce of me that is still holding me together after having my heart ripped out by the person I love the most in this world. By the person who was my world, who I would lay my life down for, who I would take a bullet for, and even after they hurt me, I still would.
I turn on the radio. And thank God I do, because the song that is playing, is my savior song. I turn it louder until it is so loud, I can’t hear the screams in my head. And then I begin to scream again, but this time, I am screaming the lyrics, as my thoughts run wild.
WHERE DID I GO WRONG?
*Tears are flowing uncontrollably out of my eyes*
I LOST A FRIEND
*my shirt is soaked*
SOMEWHERE ALONG IN THE BITTERNESS
*my heart is aching*
AND I WOULD HAVE STAYED UP
*my voice is screeching from singing as loud as I can*
WITH YOU ALL NIGHT
*I am gasping for breathes so I can continue to sing even louder*
HAD I KNOWN
*I feel some of the pain being released from my soul*
HOW TO SAVE A LIFE
*Now I can breathe again*
I cannot explain what it is about the song, or what it is about screaming the lyrics at the top of my lungs while choking on my own sobs that relieves the pain of heartbreak. It’s a rush. So many emotions are flowing through my veins, and I can feel every single one of them — pain, sadness, anger, hysteria, confusion, relief.
The more of the song I sing, the more everything inside me settles down, and I feel like I have regained control of my own body. As the scenes in my head match the words being sung, I feel as though I gain power. I feel as though I am in control and that I am strong enough to handle this pain, and that I can get through this. So this is what I do now…
Whether it’s 12:04 a.m., or 3:00 p.m. in the afternoon; when my world is falling apart, there’s nothing that relieves my aching heart better than the Fray's “How to Save a Life.” I get in my car and blast “How to Save a Life” until I can’t hear my own thoughts. I scream until my lungs give out, and I run out of tears. Sometimes I replay the song 5 times. I’ll play it as many times as I need. There’s no better song to scream and cry your heart out to while driving.
So next time you are feeling absolute despair and that you are losing everything, get in your car, blast the savior song, and the Fray will take care of you from there.
