It’s Saturday night around 1:30am and you’re finally snuggled up in your bed. Your makeup is off, your bra is long gone and you’re about 10 seconds from slipping into a dream when your hotline blings. You know what this means. Yup, it’s that ever so casual “heyyy what you doing” text. Just like clockwork this text appears in your phone every so often from the less than charming guy who only only calls you when it’s half past five. I mean really, nothing says “I respect you and value you as a human being” more than that late night text. So if you’re done with the madness here are some suggestions on how to handle that text next time it cuts into your beauty rest:

1. Reply Saying "Not You"

It doesn't get much more direct than that.

2. Reply Saying "New Phone, Who Dis?"

If he thinks you deleted him, maybe he'll get the hint.

3. Reply Saying "I'll Be Over Soon."

Don't actually go because what if he doesn't even have snacks? Don't go hike over to some weirdo's place in the middle of the night to "Netflix and Chill". Last time I went he didn't even have Netflix! I'm on to you, loser boy, I'm on to you.

4. Reply With Your Favorite Emoji.

My personal favorite is eye rolling one or the middle finger. Oh I'm sorry, is that rude? Yes? Good. Well so is your text.

5. Reply "Sorry, Wrong Number"

This works even better if you really commit to it and send a creepy stock photo. Like the one above.

6. Reply With Some Ridiculous Story

He asked what you're doing, right? One time I told a guy I was arrested on U-Street for trying to kick box pedestrians and I needed him to come pick me up from the slammer. He was unimpressed and never texted me again. . . works every time!

7. Reply "I Was Asleep, Like A Normal, Functioning Adult" In The Morning

You have to try to get all eight hours of sleep in! If that jerk wants to talk to you he can buy you some Sbucks in the morning. Ja feel?

8. Never Ever Ever Ever Reply Back

Ghosting for the win.

9. Reply Back Explaining How Disrespectful His Text Actually Is

Perhaps schooling the f-boy on how to treat a woman will help us dismantle the patriarchy and disassemble the matrix of domination. A girl can dream, okay?!

10. Reply Saying "Ew"

Seriously, look at him. Ew. Nighty night, sweetheart.