I read my Bible all the time, sometimes a lot less than I should. I have a confession: my Bible is hard to read. I get confused on what is going on and I find things hard to believe. My Bible is so hard to read I get more confused as I read. I always have so many questions. That part, no one ever wants to talk about. Plus, I’m reading the Old Testament right now so you know it can be a struggle.

On my Twitter feed, I see all the pretty calligraphy of Bible verses and scramblings of their journal notes. I see a cup of coffee and some pens strategically scattered and the vintage filter to make it look super pretty. The pictures make it so appealing to want to open up your Bible and read it.

In reality, for me at least, it’s frustrating. I have to fight the temptation of doing other stuff instead of reading my Bible. I have to purposely put it in places where I cannot ignore it. Then when I start to read I find there are so many stories and so many things happening it's hard to keep up. I thought reading my Bible would be so magical.

I enjoy finding things that really stick to me and make sense to me. I enjoy experiencing revelations about what I am reading. Then it’s “fun” and “easy” and I can doodle cute stuff and feel at peace like I've been enlightened. Instead of being enlightened, I would say I’m more left in my own thoughts. More speechless than anything. More observant. More in tune. More convicted.

I can remember a time when I asked my friends, “Hey, do you ever get frustrated because you wind up more confused than ever about what you’re reading in the Bible?” I asked it in a really shy way because for one, I felt stupid for even asking, and two, I was basically already insinuating that I felt those feelings. They said no, and that was the end of the conversation. I felt defeated. I felt slow. I felt like I didn’t have anyone to turn to. The idea of forcing myself to read a book that I could not engage with at all was just a complete turnoff.

But can I be real? Can I be honest without sounding like a crazy person? The devil wants you to give up and be okay with not understanding. He wants you to see that you’re weak in this area and turn you off to wanting to get better in that area. He wants you to turn your back on the Word and whisper in your ear to forget about it because it was dumb of you to think you could be a Christian and do Christian things. This is not an article about how much I despise reading my Bible because it’s confusing. The story does not end there, and I’m writing this so that yours will not end there either. So please, keep reading.

I was infuriated. I’ve always been under the impression that every time I read my Bible I would come out with a life-changing message to apply to my life. Before I started to really dig into my Bible, I honestly thought it was written to tell a story about a person and then give a generic verse at the end. Kind of like a verse to give us something to think about at the end. Everyone makes it sound so fun and so peaceful. But, I have had too many times where I was too upset to continue to read.

The truth is, reading your Bible is such an intimate thing. Even when I am getting pressed with confusion. Sometimes you have to speak out and say, “God, I don’t understand. I want to understand.” It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to ask questions. It’s okay to not be all giddy all the time. I tell you this with complete confidence: every time I did not understand something, it would make sense to me sooner or later. Whether it clicked for me during church, through an experience, or further ahead in the reading. Psalm 119:71 says, it was good for me to be afflicted so that I could learn Your statutes. When that is where the beauty of it all comes in because it means a lot to me knowing that God hears and God acts. When I am alone frustrated in my room with Him and what I’m reading, He does not speak to me in my ear or show me a sign in the sky. Not because He can’t but because sometimes I have to look for it, seek it, or go through some things to get to the answer. It’s honestly so amazing. That is what pulls me back to my quiet time with Him. It can be hard some days (most days even) but oh, when that breakthrough comes.

Don’t give up on your Bible or your God.