You know what I just realized? Waldo. I finally found him and considering I was nine years old at the beginning of my search, my eyes are not very skilled at piercing camouflage. For 13 years Waldo eluded me, 13 off-and-on years of a half-determined investigation and I finally spotted his smug face among the crowd. "Found me," it says. The cruelty of this children's book is that after all this time, I still could not really tell you where Waldo is. I can see he's messing around in a market in Medieval Europe, but what year and exactly where, who could say? And after I found Waldo, the son of a gun just goes to another overly-crowded spot in history. What kind of sick publisher would endorse this?
I'm convinced that "Where's Waldo?" has a higher purpose than just wasting my time and ensuring my reading comprehension never progresses past grade school requirements. Mr. Waldo was originally invented by the British in a book series called "Where's Wally?" that was designed to teach children how to be effective spies. The Americans intercepted this, however, and adopted the concept of planting a VIP, Waldo, within a densely-populated zone of interest and asking children to find him. The problem? Waldo is a wily prey, and only kids with very little to do will succeed in locating his whereabouts. This would be MI6's and the CIA's worst fail of the century. I don't know who thought "Waldo" sounded like a more American name than "Wally," but both men are masters of blending in. Maybe the difference is in their accents, although books can't talk (Not yet, at least. If I say more the CIA will hunt me down and force me to apologize). This was supposed to be a cute little "Oh look, it's Monday, what did Bobby do over the weekend" kind of article, but I'm in too deep now. They know I know. A wise man once said to never drop just one bean, so I'm gonna spill the whole can. Whatever happens to me, promise me you'll find Waldo. I love my country.
The character of Waldo is actually based on a real MI6 agent who went rogue and stole a time-traveling device the British were mulling over. MI6 wasn't working on it, the guy who made "Doctor Who" was. Waldo cleverly pretended to be an inept tourist looking for the nearest ski resort when he snuck into Sydney Newman's laboratory. For all you non-Whooligans, Sydney Newman is one of the three creators of Doctor Who, but he is the only one credited with a profile picture on Wikipedia, so I assume he is the most well-known and legitimate contributor. Or maybe he's a fraud and took all the credit from C.E. Webber and Donald Wilson. History is written by the victor.
Waldo (or Wally), donned in his colorful (or colourful) disguise, struck Mr. Newman on his notoriously weak calves. Waldo then took the time traveling machine for a spin, mocking Sydney Newman Achilles's calves on the way out. "Stand up for yourself, Syd! You'll never get anywhere with those two weaklings holding you down! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Waldo vanished, never to be seen again except in print illustration. Good grief (Blimey)!
After MI6 found out about Waldo's theft of the time machine, they begged Sydney to build another so they could apprehend Waldo and find out just "when" he is. However, Sydney said he would rather make something without those two weaklings holding him down. Sydney was referring to his co-creators for Doctor Who as weaklings, not his calves. Sydney went on to make Doctor Who, and because the British are well-mannered they did not force anyone to build a time-machine. Plus, Waldo took the blueprints anyway. He thought of everything.
With no time machine and no plan, MI6 decided the best they could do is to prepare future generations for spotting Waldo if he should ever end up in the future. It makes sense. MI6 hired Martin Handford to illustrate children's books depicting Waldo in all sorts of wacky situations, from besieged castles to a very rare image of Waldo slaughtering a third goat before boarding Noah's Ark. Captain's orders. Agents distributed these books en masse and planted them in places children would willingly pick them up, from dentist's offices, to doctor's offices, and even in waiting rooms at the dentist's office. Have you seen "The Imitation Game?" It's exactly like how they printed a newspaper ad asking people to solve the crossword puzzle in like six minutes to see if they were smart enough to do math against the Nazis. If you're wondering how MI6 would time kids on finding Waldo, shut up, they installed cameras in the books and motion sensors that react to kids pointing excitedly. Now, in 2017, there are generations of kids who recognize Waldo and will be ready to chase him down if he rears his striped head.
So you see everyone, the question we should be asking is not "Where's Waldo?", but rather, "Who's Woke Tho?" Spread the word on Waldo and if you see him, tell him I read his book and didn't particularly enjoy it because I associate it with waiting at the doctor's office, causing me great apprehension and discomfort whenever I spy red and white stripes. I hear the agents outside. Let's play a game of "Where's Bobby?", shall we?
