In an early episode of Sex and the City, there is a scene in which Carrie Bradshaw is eating lunch alone at an outdoor cafe after realizing she is comfortable enough with herself to be publicly alone. The way in which she states that this is something everyone should be able to do made me ask myself, “Why can’t I go eat lunch in the dining hall by myself?” Then I realized I had no reason not to.
I’ve always been more comfortable around other people than myself. While I was happy to read a book by myself or play outside on my own, I felt validated in the company of other people and with the knowledge that they wanted to spend time with me. Obviously, I didn’t think like this when I was five and running around the playground, or thirteen in the middle school cafeteria; but I do remember being happier as a “we” than a “me”.
I’ve started to see that because I spent so long getting comfortable around others, I never truly respected the beauty of alone time. This is not to say I never stayed in bed all day to watch Netflix on occasion, or just drove around running errands solo. However, now in college when I’m constantly surrounded by so many people doing so many things, all each trying to function as a piece in thirty different puzzles, I’m daunted by the prospect of revolving my time around everyone else.
As I’m approaching the end of my first semester at college, very little is secure: I’m still making friends, trying to find a balance in my life, and I’m already being asked to plan for my future. Sometimes rather than overwhelming myself with thoughts of, “Do they want to hang out with me?” “Can I get this done before 3 am?” “What the hell is happening right now?”, I just need quiet. There are times when I can feel my happiness growing too dependent on other people, and I need to step back to recompose myself. This isn’t a weakness or an insecurity; in fact, it’s the exact opposite. This is the first time I’ve been entirely on my own to make decisions, and I am trying to learn when to just say, Breathe.
I’m not preaching living in isolation just to try to find yourself. I have found, though, that I’ve learned more about myself than ever since coming to college. I’ve grown more comfortable with and confident in who I am, and it has influenced how I present myself to others. With this I ask, of the girl who walked past me the other day and anyone who thinks like her, to please not laugh at me when I sit alone at lunch. I’m not lonely or sad. I have made some wonderful friends here, but they have made other wonderful friends, too, and no one needs to spend every minute of everyday together. I’m perfectly happy with that and with everything else here; and in the end, that's all I need.
