:00/:45

I’m 17, sitting in a tiny room and trying really hard to keep my legs from shaking.

“There isn’t any structure to this interview,” one of the two professors sitting in front of me says. “We don’t have any prepared questions. Talk with us, and we will make our judgments based on the next 45 minutes of conversation.”

I’m applying for a unique program at William Jewell College called the Oxbridge Honors Program. Through the program, William Jewell students can attend Oxford University their junior year. Oxbridge has strict guidelines; accepted students have to choose their major right off the bat and stick with it all four years. Since I couldn’t decide between the Literature and Theory route (more English-focused) and the History of Ideas one (more philosophy-focused), the head professors of both tracks are interviewing me.

“Well…” I say, scouring my mind for impressive things to discuss. “I guess the most interesting thing about me would be the intersection between two of my main identities.”

“What do you mean by that?” the Literature and Theory professor asks.

“I mean, I’ve always been a Christian, but I’m also a gay man,” I say. “It’s been difficult to reconcile that, especially since both my parents are ministers.”
_____

Seven years old

I’m laying in bed while my mom tucks me in. She’s turned off the light, but moonlight floods the room. She sets the book with my nightly devotions next to my Bible Trivia book, which is next to a stacked set of Adventures in Odyssey tapes.

We pray together, and I run through my list; I pray for the same people every night.

1) The two kids I heard about on the radio about a year ago who lost their parents.

2) My teachers.

3) My best friend Luke and his family.

4) My family.

5) A woman at our church with cancer.

6) Everyone else in the whole wide world.

Amen.

_____

:05/45

“Tell us more about that intersection,” the Literature and Theory professor says. “How have you reconciled your sexuality and your faith?”

“I’ve done research online,” I say. “I’ve struggled to find my own truth, to figure out what God wants me to do. The liberal interpretation of the Bible's anti-homosexuality passages would probably be closest to what I believe right now.”

“What do you mean by the liberal interpretation?” he asks.

I spend some time explaining that view. I point out that the City of Sodom was really destroyed because of gang rape, not the homosexuality involved. I explain how Paul's idea of 'gay sex' when he condemned it was the pedophilia of his time, not the committed gay relationships of today. I say Adam and Eve may have been the first human creations, but that God has created a diverse array of humans since.

"I mean, just look at infertile or intersex people," I say. "The liberal interpretation makes sense." But sometimes I wonder if that's only because I want it to make sense.

______

Fifteen years old

I flip to the index section of my mom's Bible, searching for the answers. It's late, but a manic drive keeps me awake, searching... searching. The "homosexuality" entry is hard to find; only a few verses discuss it. The pages of her Bible are tinged with gold. They shimmer in the soft light of my room as I flick them back, searching for the passages, one after the other. I reread the same verses again and again.

Romans 1:27: "men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in their own persons the due penalty for their error."

Leviticus 18:22: "it is an abomination."

1 Corinthians 6:9: "Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

______

0:20/:45

“So The Awakening was meaningful for you?” the Literature and Theory professor asks. We had moved on from the Bible to other literature. “Edna Pontillier’s attempt to liberate herself from societal norms... her ultimate suicide in the sea. Why was her journey impactful for you?”

I think for a while, then finally answer, “I've never felt like I met society’s expectations. I've never fit society's Christian norms because I’m gay, and I've never fit society’s gay norms because I’m a Christian." I think some more, then elaborate, "Edna fought so hard over the course of her life to defy society’s expectations of her as a woman. She fought and she fought and she fought. I’m not suicidal, and I would never advocate for suicide, but I empathize with her character. I get it.”

______

Sixteen years old

My counselor looks over her notes. “So...let me clarify a few things,” she says. She bites her lip. “Ian, I know your religious beliefs... I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m pressuring you to go in a certain direction. You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” I say.

“Alright,” she says. “Have you ever felt physically or romantically attracted to a woman?”

“No.”

She nods. “But you’ve been sexually and romantically attracted to men? A lot of men over the course of your life?”

“Yes...”

“But, in your own words, you... aren’t gay?” she says.

We sit in silence, then both of us start to laugh.

______

:40/45

“So to you, your sexuality is not a choice,” the History of Ideas professor says.

“Yes,” I answer. “I never consciously decided to be gay. The psychological research says most gay people feel like they didn't have a choice.”

“So, let's imagine you had the power to choose," he says. "If you could change your sexuality, would you? If you did have control, would you choose this life for yourself?”

I sit in silence for a while, then I answer, “Yes.”

“Why?”

I think for a long time, struggling to figure out what I want to say. They're staring. There isn't much time left. My legs are shaking.

"I'm not sure," I finally say.

He looks disappointed, but he nods and writes something down.

"Thank you for coming out for this," the Literature and Theory professor says.

______

Present day

I'm not sure whether or not I was accepted to the Oxbridge program; I decided to go to Truman State instead of William Jewell. But I've been thinking about that interview for a long time, and I have realized why I answered "yes" to that professor's question.

Despite my doubts and confusion about my path, I know I wouldn't choose any other journey. My sexuality is not a curse, it’s not something to "fix" that's bad or wrong with me; my sexuality is a complex facet of my identity, something God has given me for some amazing, unknown purpose. As Kate Chopin wrote in "The Awakening," "the bird that would soar above the level plain of tradition and prejudice must have strong wings." Perhaps God has given gay Christians our journey because He intended for us to fly.

_____

Nine years old

Water is rushing over me. My dad’s hands cradle my neck and my back. My white baptismal robe billows around me, weighing me down. Bubbles cloud my vision. As he lifts me up, I break through the surface of the water and heave in a gasp of air. I am a Christian. I close my eyes and pray.

I trust you, God, I trust you. Guide me. Whatever path you've laid out for me, I'll follow. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.