Different.

I was sitting in my 5th grade class probably learning a song to remember the water cycle or a moment in history, when I went to the bathroom due to some stomach cramps. - I started my period. If the acronym would have existed at the time, then omg.

I freaked out. Then calmly told my teacher, who then quietly told me to go to the nurse. There I go down the hall with some toilet paper stuffed down there, because ya know. Long story short, I get off the bus and run to my mom, who proceeds to say her baby girl is a woman now. Great. So, life goes on and my period didn't show again for a year. I didn't really understand or care, but something always felt different.

---

I Give Up.

I never really thought I was the only person who had to start shaving their legs at the age of 8 or waxing their face at 11 years old, until I aged some more and realized I really was. - that I knew of, at least.

High school was rough. I started cramping a lot while putting on the weight slowly. I decided to see an endocrinologist to figure my life out. She took what felt like a 1000 tubes of blood, put me on meds, took more blood, took me off meds, then took more blood. Only to say she didn't know why my testosterone and other hormones are so high and didn't know why I had practically no estrogen. I give up.

Moving On.

I was a dumb teenager. I made many mistakes and was raised better than that.

Multple times I sat in my shower crying while praying to God that I wasn't pregnant. - Negative. "Thank you God," I would say every time.

The alarm goes off and I go to school.

Why do I feel so different? - Moving on.

Great.

Years later, I finally hit my breaking point. What's wrong with me? Why am I so hairy? Why am I always in pain?

I call the guy who I'm married to now, to tell him what I saw on the screen at my latest doctor's appointment. 12+ cysts on my ovary and they can't find the other one. I cried. This is why I always felt different.

PCOS, like I figured. - Great.

Life. Is. Great.

High blood pressure, weight that won't shed, and loads of meds later, here I am. I've never been more happier in my life. You would think I would say the opposite, but I married my best friend who loves me through it all and finds perfection in my imperfections.

Life is so good. This is what I meant earlier.

Then there's a family gathering or a baby shower.

I'm the only female in the room who's never conceived a child. Can I handle this today? Let me run to the bathroom real quick. - I'm back.

Life is still great.

"Mom."

I found myself in the bathroom again. Thoughts fly through my head.

Will I ever be called mom?

I'm thankful in these moments that I married a man who already has 3 kids, knowing I would never have to be the reason he would have to ask himself the same question about being a father.

"What does it feel like to be a parent? To be called "mom."

Sometimes I think "My period hasn't shown itself for awhile. Please God, I pray that I'm pregnant." I try to tell myself there was a virgin Mary, you know. Why not? -Negative. Crazy how your prayers change now that you're a happy, stable adult.

I smile and try to hide my feelings when I hear someone say "You never know, my best friend's sister's third cousin twice removed had the same issue and now she's pregnant." I appreciate it, I really do, but now your story is over and I'm still not a mom.

Human.

I lean on God and my husband to help me get through the difficult days. I know there are good reasons why God chose me to not be able to conceive. He blessed me with a nephew that looks just like me and a step-grandbaby at 22 years old. If you're confused, my husband's daughter had a baby and blessed me with the title of "Memaw" and I'm only 23. If you're wondering, yes, it's amazing. Then when I have my bad days, my husband holds me and let's me cry, because he knows I'm human.

For anyone who knows what infertilty feels like, lean on God and your spouse, because those 2 people are the only reason I'm ok. For anyone who know's someone that's going through this, please think before you speak. I would love to "borrow your child who won't listen for the day." That sounds like a blessing.

I didn't write this for pity, but only to remind you that it's ok to feel this way.

I hid in the bathroom today, but life is still so good.

It's ok to not be ok sometimes. We're human.