I have always been fascinated with love.

The idea that someone is willing to pour their soul out to you and trust you with their thoughts.

I've always admired that. I think it is easy to trust that this is something that everyone searches for at some point in their life. Everyone wants to find someone who they are excited to share who they are with, excited to become a part of who they are.

It is so easy for me to give love; generally just to share a love with others. We are called to love one another, and I have never really struggled with this. I enjoy spreading the love. I enjoy people and learning who they are through their stories; We all have stories.

But falling in love is a greater aspect of love. The truth is, I am in love with the idea of falling in love, but I am terrified of it.

When I say that I am terrified of falling in love, I don't mean that I am terrified of falling in love with the wrong man. I know my standards and the things that I search for within a person.

I know that God ultimately is in control of who I will give my heart to, the portion that will belong to this particular man anyways. Now I'm not saying that the first man that I fall in love with will be the man that I am allowed to spend the rest of my life with, but that isn't what scares me.

What scares me is the idea that I could possibly pour out my soul for the first time to a man who doesn't want to accept it. We can't control what another person feels.

I have always struggled with opening up to others. So the idea of opening up to someone and them one day just deciding to walk away is a scary feeling. People are so often no more than temporary.

They walk in and out of lives without considering the impact they are making. We never know when this could happen to us. I don't want to be another heartbreak story, so I often just guard my heart.

I have seen hurt. I have seen my best friend's heartbreak because the guy that she had dated for three years decided to find love in another woman. He just walked away, and she stood without answers.

I have seen family members crumble because of the pain that can come out of love. The pain that can come out of falling out of love. With every heart that I see break, I add another brick to my ever growing wall.

When I see couples who are in love I see so much beauty. So much hope. But when I think about all of the ways that that love can be taken away, I see pain. I'm not afraid of pain, but I am afraid of the healing process. The memories and then moving on.

The forgetting.

Falling in love means trusting. It means being vulnerable and allowing someone else to see your feelings. I don't think that I know how to do that. It is hard for me to give out my trust because I have seen so many broken promises.

I bottle my feelings up and tuck them away on a shelf. Sometimes it feels as if I have put a warning label on them. Not a warning to others, but a warning to myself. A warning of how dangerous it could be.

People think that I am just hard to please or "picky." That I don't date because "nobody is good enough."

They don't realize that this couldn't be further from the truth. I truly want to experience the process of falling in love. Don't get me wrong, I can be picky, and that is okay.

Finding a partner who loves God more than himself is a top priority and that can be hard to find.

But the real reason I have never truly "dated" is because I won't allow myself.

I won't allow myself to experience what so many others have experienced. I won't allow myself to stray even further from trust because of heartbreak.

I remember growing up, I would feel myself begin to like somebody and immediately push them away. Now, I don't think I can even show enough emotion to allow someone to even believe that I like them.

Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't seen so much pain in others, so many heartbreaks or falling out of love if maybe the idea would be simpler to me. I don't want to lose the beauty that I see within falling in love.

I don't want to lose the importance that I see within it. But I want to gain the ability of one day allowing myself to open up to the heart of someone else.

Love is an amazing thing, and falling in love is so beautiful. I love seeing true love, and I hope to one day allow myself to be apart of that.

Opening up to others begins with me opening up to myself.It begins with me allowing myself to acknowledge my emotions, which will always be something that is difficult for me.

I know that my identity does not lie in a relationship or falling in love, but rather in God. I know that he will offer everything that I will ever need. But the beauty of falling in love will always be admirable to me.

Love first comes from searching my own thoughts and emotions. From loving God the way that he has loved me. From learning to love who I am and allowing myself to show that to another. I hope to one day to become the hopeless romantic who has fallen in love, not the hopeless romantic who is terrified of it.