Dear Younger Me,

I know just what you're doing right now. Instead of studying from those SAT books you got for Christmas in eighth grade or going over your notes for that class that you're close to failing, you're instead looking at colleges once again. I know that it probably didn't help seeing your sister researching schools or accompanying her on those tours way back when, and it wasn't any better when you witnessed her acceptance to Princeton. Mom was so proud that day, and you are probably only thinking about getting the same reaction from the parents in the next few years.

Right now, you're probably thinking about the same thing that you've had in your mind since the start of middle school: Stanford. You're probably trying to figure out the perfect formula to get in, the scores that you will need to impress the school, and writing essays already that you think will seal the deal. If I know you, you're probably also looking at Ivies, and really, nothing less. Liberal arts schools are foreign for you, and you want nothing to do with Rutgers, because you just want to get away from the homophobia at home. You're spending hours on College Confidential trying to find these answers, and you're hoping that you will end up going to one of these elite schools one day, too.

Yet, I have a message for you: Life never goes as you may plan it.

You may never see it coming, but dad will get sick for a very long time. You won't see mom for days, weeks, and even months as she travels back and forth from Philadelphia to take care of him. That near perfect GPA you managed to get freshman year will drop tremendously because of that, and you will spiral back into that familiar pit of depression that you went through in middle school. You may even feel the need to cut yourself once again, but stop at the last minute, because you know how stupid bleeding to death would look. Lastly, you may lose the only person who you ever were in love with and it may cause your entire focus to drift again, furthering your coffin into its grave. You may end up crying every night over a guy and your terrible grades, but it will all work out in the end.

At the same time, you may never see it coming, but love will enter your life as well. You will meet a guy who suffered from the same unrequited love as you, and together, you two will take on a new adventure. Yet, because of your nature, you will stay with him even though he's not good for you. He will abuse you, manipulate you, and cause you to distrust any new person who walks into your life again. He will take away your purity and security, and you may find yourself standing in front of a train one night, but you will be too scared to stay on the tracks. Your grades will continue to drop and as he gets into Dartmouth, you find your own dreams and aspirations erased because of all the time you wasted on your alcoholic ex. Nevertheless, it will all work out in the end.

And finally, you may never see it coming, but you will end up discovering your true calling along the way. You will come out of the closet, turn all of your pain into a story for others, and look to better the world one day in any way you possibly can. You will volunteer at the New York City Pride Fest, intern for an online LGBTQ magazine, and even learn to start loving yourself at last. All of this will come later on in your high school career, and it's only because of the hardships you faced. You will turn these lessons into amazing essays for others to read and for colleges, and it will all work out in the end.

Unbeknownst to you now, you will not end up at Stanford. In fact, you will be rejected when you check at 5:57 p.m. on March 27, 2015. Nonetheless, you will be okay. You may not get into any of those elite schools that you dreamed of back when you were 14, but you will get into four schools that all exemplify and fit into your ideals and goals for your future. You will be on your road to redemption at last in California, and with that, I'm telling you that it will all work out in the end.

There is nothing to worry about. Keep doing what you are doing, but remember that life isn't without pain. You will lose your two best friends, watch others come and go, and become lost in yourself as well, but in reality, come out stronger in the end. That's better than being able to say that you went to Princeton or Harvard, but you will learn that later on once you've experienced all of this. During those times when you just want to give up, just remember that taking your life isn't worth it at such a young point in your life, and that heartbreak is universal and will pass eventually. It will all work out in the end, and where you end up will be a new adventure for you to finally start that new chapter of your life.

Just remember: even when you think your life is ending, it hasn't even truly began yet.

Love,

Your Future Self.