I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Maybe it's all the change in the air. New school, new stuff, new friends. Maybe it's just a coincidence. I guess it doesn't matter either way. I guess none of this matters. You'll never read this, never get to know that this was going through my mind. I could send it to you but I know you, you'd get angry, you'd feel attacked. You always feel attacked though. I left you alone for months and would say, "Hi" and that was an attack to you. But I guess some people are like that. When they cut ties with you, they're cut, not to be sewn or glued or even taped back together again. But, as I have held this in for months, trying to put pieces back where they belong--pieces you disturbed--I think it's time I let it go.
So, here we go. I miss you.
This isn't that sappy moment where I say, "Not really. I miss what you stood for." No, because what you stood for wasn't a defined thing. I miss you. I miss the craziness you brought into my life. I miss how much you made me smile. I probably shouldn't, but in seven short months you filled a gap I had. That gap is a whole other story, a story not many people know, but you do. You know all the stories. You always listened to my stories. And I'd live for you to tell me yours. The lies you created, the lies that only myself and one other person called you out for, those were what made you you, and those are things that I miss. But maybe that was a problem all along.
I miss the way you didn't take anything from anyone, the way you never failed to not give a fuck--unless someone hurt someone you cared about. The passion you hid behind those hazel eyes will forever remain in the back of my head. Maybe it's because I've seen them filled with tears and anger from when I hurt you, maybe it's because I've seen them filled with fog as you drank yourself sick over things you couldn't control and chose to lean on me in those moments, maybe it's because I feel the pain of having so much passion and heart and hiding it out of fear too. I miss the way you would always bring someone up if you put them down, because, you had to be an asshole but not a mean asshole. Damn. I miss you.
I'm sure you know that though. Because in seven months you became my second best friend and I became yours. Because when he wasn't there for you and she wasn't there for me we had each other, and when I could've picked a date or you and you could have picked a date or me, we picked each other. Because you knew how much you meant to me but still managed to pull away and you know I won't ever get over that, but maybe that is why you did it so forcefully. I wonder sometimes where the anger steamed from. All the anger you showed but never towards me until that week everything changed. Then I realize it was all to allow you to please another person. Your way of stopping anything more from happening to please another even though it meant not pleasing yourself. Sometimes I think it hurt you more than me but unlike me you do not hold onto things. You separate yourself. I miss that inspiration in my life.
A smart woman once told me that, "Friends aren't meant to be there forever, they're meant to be there when they can." I had always thought that. That no one was unique enough to hold onto, but you showed me something different. But, maybe she is right. And if she is, you came at the right time. You helped make my last year my best, helped turn my tears into smiles, helped me find a passion for something I started to hate, helped me remember where I came from and why. And I like to believe I helped you too. Whether it be that I helped you stop fearing loving someone again, being yourself again, showing yourself again, or whether it be teaching you that you have so much potential if you'd believe in yourself.
Or maybe it was something else, because I loved to drive you around and skip class because I liked someone to talk to and I could never see what you got out of it but you always chose to do it with me. You helped make me stronger, that's for sure, thanks for being my best friend, even if it wasn't forever--or for very long at all. I needed a best friend. And I needed to be reminded that it is okay to love and trust others.
I need to learn to do that again.