It’s a strange feeling when you’re an outsider in your hometown. Your hometown is supposed to be one of those places that never changes. And before you know it, you come back and you don’t recognize that new Thai place, or hey, when did the ice cream place close down? The place that is suppose to represent comfort and familiarity is now a place you don’t recognize. You are the one who is suppose to change, not your hometown. You feel left behind. You weren’t gone that long. How can so many changes happen so quickly? I roam the streets like I did in high school, and reminisce about the way things used to be. Teenagers still hang out around the gazebo but I don’t know any of them now. Homes that were once destroyed by Hurricane Sandy are still being rebuilt but the people inside have moved on. There’s a new BBQ place where the German restaurant used to be and Joe’s Meats moved down the block. Things have shifted right before your eyes.

Just like the local Waldbaum’s, my friends are gone too. Where I was once going out every weekend with my friends, the only foreseeable plans I had now were with Netflix. I started putting on makeup to take a picture for my blog rather than for a date with a boyfriend. It was weird. Where in high school, I felt like I was on top of the world in my hometown, now I feel buried beneath it and forgotten.

And this made me genuinely upset, because I loved my hometown. I had so many memories here but those memories seemed to be haunting me now. I wanted so badly to be a part of it but felt like I outgrown my place here. There were so many events I wanted to attend but felt out of place. For example, in college, I loved attending volleyball and basketball games. Here, I feel like one of those kids who can’t stop hanging out with high schoolers when I’m at a football game. I wanted to belong here but with the past sneaking up on me and with me feeling alone, I felt like my hometown didn’t love me back.

It’s been almost four months since I moved back here, and it’s still hard for me at times. Most of the people in my hometown are still dating the person they were in high school, getting married, having babies, working locally, or going to college. And I don’t fit into any of those categories. It’s disheartening. I feel like everyone is growing and moving on with their lives and I’m standing still. But it’s getting better. I’m going on more job interviews in the city and writing on my blog daily which helps a lot. Fall is right around the corner which means fall festivals and fairs are nearly here. I’m looking forward to the ones in my hometown that I haven’t been to in a while. My college friends started school and began to go to the bars that I was just at last fall. It was difficult to watch at first. But honestly, I’m happy I don’t have to live through the stress that senior year caused me.

I don’t plan on staying in my hometown forever. But it’s also hard to imagine me leaving it for good. It might not feel like home right now but I can’t imagine having to grow up anywhere else. They say you can’t go home again, and I see their point. But my hometown will always be a part of me and I’m grateful to come from here.