I am homesick, but not necessarily for home.
I am homesick for the feeling my home gives me. I feel comfortable here in Milwaukee and I enjoy being at school but this place is nowhere as comfortable as I once felt while I was at home.
Whenever I come home I feel as if this is where I belong. My dogs are here along with my family and friends. When I am in my small town in Illinois I fit in and I always see people I know. But then I sit back and I feel confused as to if this is where I am meant to be.
This semester I found myself wanting to constantly wanting to come home in hope to have things feel right again. I am not saying that I am not enjoying college or that I am miserable here, home just always provides me with a sense of clarity and comfort that I need.
Usually, when I am in my head and something is bothering me, I would drive my car or just sit in my car listening to music until I completely cleared my head. But I don't have my car here so it hard to do that to clear my mind up here. I just can't wait to go on a drive when I get home, one with the windows down and the music blaring till I feel alright again.
At school, I find things rather simple and easy. Every day I do almost the same things. Wake up, go to class, go to work, work out, and then go to bed. Everything thing I need and everyone I know is on campus or in my off-campus dorm. I still feel as if something is missing. I have been missing home since I moved here in September.
I loved it at home and I loved it here in the first month. Then it just clicked in my mind that Milwaukee is probably not where I am supposed to be. I enjoy the city, Bradford Beach, going to an amazing school, and having roommates is always a fun and an interesting time but I still tend to not feel as if I belong.
I am starting to feel unsure of where I am truly supposed to be.
At college, it is easy to feel stuck. No matter how right being home feels I am scared that I will always want to go home when things get hard. It is my escape and my safe place. It does suck to have to have an escape and I wish I could just enjoy college as much as I want to.
But with spring coming, I am starting to clear my mind and accept the fact that it is okay to be homesick but I can't let that control my life. College isn't awful and I enjoy being on campus and going to class. My grades and classes keep me sane and help me stay positive and focused. I have an on-campus job that I enjoy so much. My roommates have made college bearable and have been there for me in so much. My gym membership has helped me keep a healthy body and healthy mind.
My little town has made me laugh, cry, gave me happiness and a million memories that I will cherish forever. This town has shown me the importance of family and friends and has given me so much hope for my future. My small town will forever be my home. But for the next two months, Milwaukee will be my home away from home and I will battle this feeling of being lost and homesick.
No matter where I go or who I am with, I will always find my way back home and to the feeling of being comfortable.