They say home is where your heart is, and for so many years I called this place my home. That all changed when I went to college.

So many things change when you go to college, but the biggest is probably your life back home. I fell in love with college; I loved being on my own and doing my own thing and learning who I was as a person and meeting new people. I made a new group of friends who I love with all my heart and I got to express myself as an individual and blossom whilst at college. It was life changing and made me a better person. No one back home knew what I was getting into at college unless I posted a small post about something, which a hardly ever did. I hardly even contacted my parents so not even they knew what was really going on unless they prompted me. And truth be told I loved that. I loved having my own life going on and no one back home knew how I was doing or what I was up to. College gave me a clean slate and I hit the ground running with it. I started over, made a new name for myself, started connecting with new people, the works. Then, when our first break rolled around and I had to go home for Thanksgiving I thought everything was going to be the same. Little did I know that nothing was the same and that it probably never will be again.

Coming home on breaks was difficult. At first it’s fine, but the longer you stay at home the more you realize that it’s not what it used to be. Hanging out with high school friends, driving through your hometown, being around your parents, and even sleeping in your own bed all seems different. Hanging with your high school besties is difficult when you’ve been hanging out with different people every day for the past few months. When catching up I just constantly wanted to talk about my college friends because aside from going to classes, hanging out with them was the only thing I did. I couldn’t even enjoy being home on breaks because I just thought about going back to the dorm to my friends or going back to classes because that’s what I had gotten used to. I’d constantly message the group chat and tell all my friends that I couldn’t wait to see them, even if we were only apart for a week. It was hard readjusting to being under your parent’s roof again and abiding by their rules. It was hard hanging out with old friends because they honestly felt like strangers. Being home made me sad. It just wasn’t the same anymore, and I didn’t care to really be there.

You’re truly living a secret double life when you’re at college that no one else is really aware of. They say college changes you, and that it does. You come home and suddenly you’re not the same person everyone once knew. You find out so much more about yourself when you leave. You’re exposed to a new environment and new people, all of which brings out different things about you. I became such a happier and livelier person while I was away and coming home killed those vibes for me. I apparently made it obvious too because my mom would constantly ask if I missed my friends. I did, of course, and wanted nothing more than to be back in the dorm and hanging out with them, especially days I was stuck at home with nothing to do and no one to see.

It’s a bit heartbreaking realizing how different everything is now. The worst thing is that home isn’t home. That I came home for summer but it’s not home. Not really. Maybe at one point, but things have changed, and that really sucks. I find myself longing for school to start back up because I can’t stand being in my hometown. I find myself missing living on my own and making my own rules. I miss my friends and constantly seeing them. I miss having things to do which my hometown does not. I miss the freedom I had during the school year. If I didn’t have to come back for the summer I probably wouldn’t have. I used to like my hometown but now I really can’t stand the sight of it, and I’m sorry it’s come to this. I’ve always known that I had to get out of this town, because I know there’s nothing here for me. My own mother once warned me about that and told me to hit the road when I could. I did, and now it’s different.

I’m sorry yet I’m not. I’m sorry I can’t love this dinky little town and our local diners or our backroads or the high school sports teams. I’m sorry I no longer feel welcome here in my own bed, and that I don’t like being home most nights. I’m sorry I’ve changed and that I’m no longer the person I was growing up here, but it was for the best. As bittersweet as it is, it was all for the best. I have to move onto bigger and better things, and this town isn’t that. They say home is where your heart is, and my heart just isn’t here. My heart is invested in my friends and the courses I’m taking and the campus I live on. I realize that now. Home just doesn’t feel like home when you’ve been away for a year. Or maybe home was never home to begin with.