Yup, it's that time of the year again. Whether you prefer to enjoy Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or Alt-Right Movements (#PizzaGate), we can finally celebrate for the sake of celebration. I mean, when people deviate from the norm, they are automatically prompted to always ask the question, "What's the occasion?" And what's a better excuse to throw your paychecks around, drink more than you should, and take consumerism to a whole new level than the wondrous Holidays?
It's not that my heart is a literal raisin, or that I fantasize about being visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past or anything, but I do feel a bit of schadenfreude playing the role of Devil's Advocate on occasion. I love the Holidays just as much as the next person, but it's always interesting to take on the unpopular perspective.
So while everyone else is talking about the pretty lights, bountiful gifts, and joyous times: Hi, I'm Michael, and I'm here today to tell you why The Holidays suck. Bah, Humbug.
The Circle of Li...Re-Gifting?
We are absolutely hypocritical criminals when it comes down to re-gifting. If we didn't like a gift that someone gave us, why would we tie a bow on it and pass our burden to the next poor sap that we probably didn't care enough for!? Most likely they're going to re-gift the re-gift, creating a re-gift-ception that will probably end us all before global warming does. We're all guilty of this aberration, with my dear mother perhaps being one of the worst offenders. I mean NOBODY is going to want that perfume set from K-Mart (do they still exist?), so just do us all a favor and toss it in that one cabinet we all have that's essentially a black hole, where all of our stuff goes to magically cease its existence.
Keeping Up with the Relatives
Everyone's individual interaction with their family is different, but at some point, your nerves will be tested. Like for example, when Aunt Judy wants to know everything you did the past year, pestering you with such boringly conventional questions that it feels like you're reading a biography off a teleprompter. Or when your cousin that's recently a Harvard graduate comes home and flaunts his success while you smile and pretend that you aren't butthurt about your inadequacies compared to him. At the end of the Holiday seasons, you'll have experienced the dysfunctional drama of a TLC reality show.
The Gifting Dance
Gifting is generally a gesture of sincerity or thanks, but during the Holiday season, it just becomes an awkward dance of who you should gift, how much you should spend, or if you should even bring a gift at all. When I get you a bottle opener and you gift me a $300 expresso machine, there will be salt...lots and lots of salt...and espresso I guess. There needs to be a rule book or some kind of Bro Code for Holiday gift-giving.
"If a bro agrees to not exchange gifts with another bro, he will keep his end of the deal and not get a gift anyways, which would result in the other bro looking like a douche."
Teeny, Tiny, Widdle Talk
There's the "Oh, the weather's nice today" small talk and then there's the Holiday small talk which is guided by way too much effort and an over-abundance of booze. At parties where natural communication is just not a possibility, you really need to reach deep within yourself to find anything to talk about. Last year, I resorted to conceptualizing existentialism and what it means to be human...at a Christmas bash with a group of late-30 year olds. It may sound interesting, but then again, anything does after the third bottle.
Holiday Songs on Repeat
I swear, if I hear another Michael Bublé song while browsing Holiday sales, I would probably go full Van Gogh and take both my ears out. What, it's been over a hundred years, its definitely way over "too soon".
Well, at least he painted his good side.
And With the Music, The Relentless Holiday Cheer
Nobody wants to be a Debbie Downer, but with the never-ending cheeriness of Holiday music and smiles everywhere, there's a sort of sheeny facade to it all that just doesn't feel sincere. We all have many, many problems that we all have to resolve, and we just can't throw them aside just because our street lights now have lights. I for one at least have one more problem than Jay-Z.
So, there you have it, a few reasons why the Holidays can downright suck. With that being said; however, all the things I've listed also lend to the charming attraction of this time of year. From the horrible re-gifts we've gotten a few chuckles from, to our family, no matter how insufferable they are, who are always there for us when it counts. The Christmas songs are a welcome addition to the holiday cheer, even if they make us cringe once and awhile. There's a certain nostalgia to the Holiday season, as we can take this time to reflect on all the good times we've experienced in our lives, as well as create new, just as endearing, and everlasting memories for the next few Holiday seasons to look back on.
I sincerely love the Holidays, and I look forward to another season of suck-iness with my friends and family.