I knew birthdays were going to be hard and the holidays were going to be harder. My Mimi was the roots and soul of my family. There's a ton of us. Family meals aren't just five. There's around 15 when it comes to the holidays, sometimes more because of friends that join in. I am so thankful that I am close to my family. I know some families who barely speak, and well, my family we all live less than 5 miles within each other. We are always there together.

No one is ever alone at the end of the day.

We tried to keep Thanksgiving the same. It's a tradition that I have always loved remembered and it's one of my favorites besides Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. Thanksgiving we start the pies, watch the parade with my little cousins, and eat chips and dip for breakfast. This year I wasn't as active since I had surgery, but I definitely missed my Mimi keeping me company while I was down. We would gossip and give reviews after Broadway shows performed in the parade, and she always loved the Rockettes. She always wanted to be one, but she was too short.

The one thing we didn't do was stand in a circle before saying grace and saying what we were thankful for. Mimi always loved it and she smiled the whole time, but my mom feared this year that we would cry and turn into a puddle instead of smiling. So, we made a hard pass, but I think that Mimi knows what we're all thankful for. I'm thankful for my family, my boyfriend, my education, and that she is out of pain even if I can't have her physically here anymore.

Christmas will be a whole other story. I surprisingly didn't cry on Thanksgiving, but I know the minute we sing Go Tell It on the Mountain at the Christmas Eve church service I will shed a few tears even though it's a happy song. It's one of my Mimi's favorites, and she smiled and swayed her arms with excitement when we sang it at church. Christmas was one of her favorites. I remember decorating the giant Christmas tree when I was in Sunday school, and dressing up for the Christmas pageant, her always fixing my angel wings or the ears of whatever animal I was acting out that service.

I feel like Holidays would be a lot harder if my family wasn't so close. It's like when my Mimi was dying I maybe saw my older cousins cry once or twice growing up, and now I feel like we can openly have a moment if necessary.

It's understandable. It's an adjustment we must make now.

One less plate to serve, one less name to put on the Christmas wrapping paper. One less giggle of delight when opening presents or person in the Christmas photo we always squish into.

People are going to say wow this is a sad article, but wow is reality. It's like writing this article is helping me accept what is going to come. If I wasn't writing for myself too, then why am I writing? This is my therapy, this is how my brain processes everything at the end of the day. I know many people will relate to this, especially with the Holidays being around us constantly. Christmas music playing, buying Christmas presents, it's never easy once you lose someone. You think, "Oh! That would be a perfect present for them"—and realize they're not with us anymore. Those moments suck.

Yet know you're not alone.

Holidays aren't always jolly for everyone, and that's okay. This holiday season is hard, but I'm thankful for sticking with traditions with my family, and my boyfriend and trying to keep my head up. Mimi wouldn't want us to be a puddle but would want us to spend time together no matter what during this season, and that's what we're going to do.