A lie is an affront to the soul, and it will leave you questioning your intelligence.
Depression once told me a lie. My struggle “wasn’t bad enough.”
I was up all night with my mind racing, trapped in my own thoughts. Most of the time, I didn’t want to wake up because I was having a better time asleep. I knew that waking up meant facing reality, kinda like a reversed nightmare.
I was irritable toward my family. Paranoid that my friends didn’t like me anymore. Humorless and lifeless more often that not.
I felt weak all of the time. It was enough of a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, where the hell was I going to find the energy to hangout with friends? Or go practice for softball?
I felt guilty. Whatever I felt was my own fault. I did something wrong, something so big that I can’t even see it. I deserved to feel worthless.
I felt purposeless. My lack of motivation in school decreased rapidly. I stopped studying for tests. On my bad days, I didn’t care if I failed. Other times, my body would shake uncontrollably at the thought of receiving a bad grade even though I didn't put in the effort to prepare myself.
Surrounded by people, the feeling of loneliness ate me alive. I kept everything bottled up because my depression told me that it was all just a phase, and it would eventually pass with time.
I chose to believe the lie depression told me. That caused me to be drawn to all the wrong things: thinking a bottle of vodka would solve my problems, not having ideals, and believing I had better things to do than go to church. I thought it was acceptable to settle into nothingness. At times, it was even difficult to be interesting, because it required more effort than I was willing to give.
Thank God time always has a way of discovering truth, because my struggle WAS bad enough.
I remember all too well the feeling of my heart breaking when the doctor actually diagnosed me with depression. It hit me pretty hard even though there were multiple warning signs, and it wasn't really "news."
But my father's words keep me strong, and I hope they help you fight that good fight as well.
"Depression isn't your fault, but IT IS your responsibility. You can't sit back and accept that it isn't your fault, you have to do something about it. People can help you, but nobody can fix it for you. Every person is different, and depression is caused by a bunch of different things. Only you can find out what the root causes are, i'll always be here to help."