Death was something that I never really had experience with, especially someone so close to me.

People nowadays joke about dying and how they want to kill themselves because something goes in the direction that they didn’t want it to go in. But they don’t truly understand the value of life until it’s gone. Death and wanting to die are things I deal with on a daily basis, but now I realized that there is more to life than just materialistic things and if those things don’t go right, it doesn’t mean that you need to act like a drama queen and immediately act on a whim.

Good things take time, believe me. From prior experience and everything I know, good things definitely take time.

This weekend was the last time I will ever see my great-aunt. Even though she was my aunt, she and I are very close and seeing her in pain from the cancer slowing killing her hurt my heart so much and made me take back every moment I had prayed that her ridiculous get-togethers would end so quickly.

Now I wish I was with her and when she was healthy and not hanging on to the last breath of her life. Seeing her in that hospital bed nearly killed me, the emotion I felt from knowing that I would never see her smile again tore me apart. And sitting here after going and seeing her just the day before has me thinking about what she did to deserve this. She is nothing but a good woman, and yet not just one but four cancers have affected her and she survived three, but this last one is what is ending her beautiful young life.

I’m not ready to let go of her and neither is anyone else in our family, but she’s ready to let go, not without telling us that she cares about us and is willing to make sure we are all okay before she lets go. I just never thought that I would see this day happen and that the last moment I saw her healthy two months ago would be the last time she would be able to walk on her own.

Knowing that she won’t be at my aunt’s wedding this summer and how she told my aunt that she “tried to fight it but it won and that I wanted to be there more than anything” has the waterworks starting in my eyes. And I’m not sure how to even begin to deal with life after this. I’m dreading receiving that phone call from my grandma.

That’s why my mom always tells me to cherish every moment because I never know which moment is going to be my last and when everything will end. I wish I could be with her right now and tell my great-aunt how much I love her and how I want her to keep fighting, but I completely understand that she’s tired of fighting. Cancer literally sucks ass. I wish I could hold onto her but I can’t.