Life can be quite the roller coaster sometimes. Especially in college. Especially at the University of Arizona. Especially on a Saturday during pool party season. Get ready; this is going to be a bumpy ride.
10:00 a.m.
It’s time to rise and shine! You need to get up now so that you can eat at least a little something and then get into the shower because you have a long day of alcohol and the beaming hot sun in your future.
12:30 p.m.
It’s time to head to the pregame, meet up with your girls and completely forget the stress of the week. Now is the time to get as much liquid confidence as possible because you know you skipped the gym last week and bikinis are getting smaller and smaller these days…and you’re not one to resist trends. To ensure this, you take four or five shots of Svedka, or if you are a wine person, slap that bag of pink sugary goodness (aka Franzia) and dance around to some Mathew Koma remix while half of your squad is taking pics outside on the balcony.
1:45 p.m.
Is someone going to call the Uber? Wait who else has Uber? Does anyone have Lyft? It always seems to be a struggle when half the people only have Uber and half the people only have Lyft. But here is a novel idea that everyone should consider: one day during the week, when you are sober, just try and download both. You will see it will save you time, stress and money in the future.
2:15 p.m.
You have made it to the pool party! Now it’s time to mingle with all the people you haven’t seen since Thursday night. Dancing around in bikinis, taking shots with your friends and even being those crazy people to jump into the pool, always leads to a very fun afternoon. Life is short, ride the inflatable duck!
4:45 p.m.
The sun and alcohol have gotten the best of you and you’re ready to head out and get some rest. Jk, the guy you wanted to get with left, so you’re out to get food. You’re thinking Chipotle, Mama’s or Taco Bell and when there’s a will, there’s a way. You will somehow get there. Whether that means hitchhiking or not… just kidding don’t do that.
5:25 p.m.
You have been fed and all you want to do is pass out on your bed and not wake up until tomorrow morning. As soon as you get home and get in your bed, it’s like magic how quickly you fall asleep.
8:45 p.m.
You wake up in pure confusion. Where am I? What time is it? All you know is that you are happy you woke up in your own bed. And then your roommate tells you to get up and get dressed because you have been sleeping for hours and you guys are leaving for the pregame in 45 minutes.
8:50 p.m.
Taking that five minutes to process the game plan, you realize that it’s time to get out of bed. Thank god your make up is looking semi-decent from today and you figure it will be dimly lit wherever you go, so this will just have to suffice. You have just enough time to straighten your hair, fix your eyeliner and brush your teeth before picking out something to wear.
9:15 p.m.
You’ve managed to completely mess up your closet. You have tried on three different shirts but nothing seems to be working. This is officially an emergency! Call in the troops aka your retail major roommate.
9:47 p.m.
OK, it's time to skedaddle! You only have one shoe fully on, but does that stop your roommate from shoving you out the door? No, it does not. *Door slams behind us*
10:27 p.m.
You’re officially five shots deep. You’re once again asking yourself, “Where am I? Who am I?” You didn’t think it was possible for you to drink, or that you would really even want to drink, but life is full of surprises. You have some options: bars, frats or sketchy athlete parties where fights break out and you question everything… sounds tempting.
11:55 p.m.
So it’s steamy, it’s hot and you can’t even really see. Have you gone blind? You make your way to the back bedroom where you reconvene with the main squad and make a game plan. That’s when you hear blood-curdling screams. You pop your head out the door and see three different simultaneous fights going on at once. That’s a record!
12:31 a.m.
I guess the police have decided that your night is over because they have made their presence known by use of helicopter spotlights and bullhorns. In the heat of the stampede, you remember your dear friend Jimmy. Jimmy!!! You decide to save yourself.
1:05 a.m.
Your mouth is full of beans, meat and questionable items. You open your eyes. You’re at Taco Bell being fed a heap of Mexican goodness by Jimmy.
1:17 a.m.
You make the trek home because you’re cheap and you don‘t want to pay for an Uber.
1:43 a.m.
You’re home. Still hungry. Domino’s leftovers in the fridge call your name. Ahh yes, this one’s for Jimmy. You settle down on the couch with Law & Order SVU and fall asleep to the sweet taste of the finest–quality pizza on the market and images of emotionally disturbing plot twists leaping through your head. Sweet dreams little one. Bear Down.
