In middle school, when I first discovered makeup and it’s ability to transform someone, I quickly became obsessed. I would spend endless hours on Youtube watching Michelle Phan and Macbarbie07 (Bethany Mota) transform their face and give tips on how to enhance facial features with makeup. So my obsession with makeup began and I begged my parents every day to let me buy high-end products or even some drugstore makeup. I just wanted to get my hands on anything to start practicing.
Sometime in the 7th grade, I started wearing makeup to school and stopped simply experimenting at home. I wanted to see how people would react, what feedback I would get, and if makeup truly made a difference in the way I appeared, so I applied makeup every morning before school. In the beginning, I didn’t wear a lot of makeup, I only applied some eyeliner and mascara. I knew I didn’t need products to conceal my entire face because there was nothing wrong with it. I was still confident enough to wear makeup to enhance my beauty as I had learned from the countless makeup tutorials I buried myself in.
As middle school ended and high school began, my perception of makeup changed because of the way I broke out. Although my acne was not bad at all, I still felt as if I needed to hide it with something. Soon enough, I wasn’t using makeup to enhance my beauty anymore, I was using it to hide my real face. I was using it as a mask to hide my flaws and my low self-esteem. Every day, I woke up extra early to put on my mask so I could walk the halls and sit in class with confidence. I thought makeup was helping me fix my lack of self-esteem although I still doubted myself. I couldn't get rid of my self-doubt and confidence issues, so I always piled on more makeup.
I found myself slowly starting to hate the fact that I needed makeup to feel confident. Makeup temporarily did boost up my confidence level, but it didn't make a difference towards my self-esteem overall. I simply wanted to be able to step outside my house without feeling ugly and without the layers of makeup. I tried for a really long time to give it up gradually, but it didn't work. I knew I had to give it all up in order for it to truly work, so during the summer before college began, I gave up all my makeup. At the time it felt like I had done the worst thing in my life, but I soon stopped caring. I stopped caring that people can see my scars from acne, the dark circles under my eyes, and any other flaw on my face. Although I still struggle with self- confidence from time to time, I like knowing that I can go out into the world confident to show my face without a mask on. I could've just continued hiding all my scars and flaws, but it gets super tiring and there is nothing better than being confident with what you have.
From time to time, I occasionally put on a little bit of makeup if there is a party or a social event where I want to look more than ordinary. But I don't let makeup dictate whether or not I feel confident and beautiful.
