Here’s to the almost loves.

The loves that were in our grasp, but somehow slipped through our fingers. The loves that went nowhere. The loves that were strong and beating like a heart, but stopped having a pulse. The loves that we regret yet reminisce at the same time.

Nobody ever mentions them, but everyone accepts them as a part of life. Sometimes they’re movie-screen worthy: dramatic but quick. Sometimes they leave you dazed and confused. Sometimes someone becomes selfish and turns on you.

There’s an infinite amount of ways for a relationship to end. Maybe the people involved weren’t supposed to be together. Maybe he knew you were too good for him; too much to handle. Maybe he was afraid of commitment and the fact that you can feel that much for someone else.

Almost loves are more painful than real loves. They’re full of promise and potential: you’re left wondering what could’ve been. There's a ton of bricks sitting on your chest, thoughts jumbling around like clothes in a washing machine, and chaotic nights filled with tears and restlessness. You feel so breathless, yet you want to scream. You want to cry, but there’s no tears.

Almost loves are toxic and short-lived. They make the most trusting person build up walls that not even nuclear bombs could destroy. They make you lose faith and slip away. They make you think you’re better off living the rest of your life alone.

Almost loves make you internalize the situation. What did I do to drive him away? Was I not good enough for him? Was I not attractive enough? I'm a horrible, ugly person that's undeserving of love and happiness. You start running through every possible scenario in your mind until you can’t distinguish reality from fantasy.

Almost loves end so silent that it could break glass. No more calls or texts. No more hearing about his day. No more experiencing the joy of getting to know every single piece of him. No more exhilaration of when he asks, “Are you free right now?” No more smiling and feeling like you're on cloud nine.

You’re left with a skeleton of his being. You remember his voice, smile, and laugh. You remember how it feels to have your lips on his, your hands intertwining, and more intimate forms of touch. You know everything about him - even his darkest secrets. Sometimes you can even remember the smell of his cologne, favorite things, or his mannerisms.

Over time, you begin to use the walls as excuses, so you think you’re over it. Then, if you ever see him again, it feels like someone stabbing you with a knife. You begin to pour out, exposing yourself and the fact that you still think about him. You tried to block it out, but it protrudes and pesters: so much for moving on.

A heaping pile of emotions comes at once when you see that someone again. You want to cower and hide. You want to punch him in the face and insult him. You want to ask a million questions as to what went wrong. You want to cover up the fact that you’re dying inside because you’re in the same vicinity as one another.

At first, it’s easy to keep your composure. But when the silence is broken with a simple “Hi, how are you?”, you’re bound to combust into a million pieces. It’s a new type of low - a pit of darkness. You feel trapped, and there’s no way out. Not only is it emotionally exhausting to see him, but it’s raging inside when you see him with somebody else.

Seeing him flirt with someone else is the worst. It makes you reflect on when you first met. It’s infuriating to see someone else fall to the charisma that you once fell for. Envy swallows you whole because you still want him to love you and only you, but he's too far away. It’s supposed to be ancient history, but it feels present-day.

He uses that same look on his face that reeled you in the first time on the doe-eyed innocent. He turns on the charm and laughs at everything she says. He acts all cool and keen; like he didn't break your heart before. He does the sweet talking right in front of you to stick the dagger in even further. While he commits the crime, he stares to be sure you're watching.

When you lock eyes with him when he's solo, there's a blank look behind his eyes. Not a longing gaze between two people that had a spark. You're strangers; nothing more. It's haunting to know that he doesn't feel the same way anymore. You're transparent to him; just like the rest of his victims.

All I’ve known is almost love. I should be accustomed to the ending by now, but every single time it still is just as hurtful as the first time. You'd think that I’d know better for next time, but I end up making the same mistakes. I feel worthless and not capable of experiencing real, true love. It’s a constant cycle of never ending heartbreak.

Almost love makes me crawl into my shell to hide. I feel unloved and used. My feelings are a doormat and people have the unanimous urge to walk all over me, destroying the doormat in the process with their filth. I’m nothing more to anyone than a pretty face; people only judge a book by its cover after all.

Then, I think about how I can change my attitude toward almost love. You can wallow in self-pity, or you can learn from it. From each mistake, comes a large amount of lessons along with it. Each almost love can teach you to become a better person and/or what to look for in a person.

I know that eventually someone will end up in my life when I least expect it. He's not going to be perfect, but he's going to make me happy. He's going to make me smile, laugh, and appreciate the little things. I can't wait to meet this person because he's going to turn my life upside down.

Until then, I'm going to spread love. If the world around me is full of hate, I can make it loving by being positive and bringing light to others' lives. I'm going to make my existence a huge presence by making an effect on people. I'm going to focus on making making myself happy.

Of course almost love is cruel. It's the forks, the bumps, and the potholes in the road. Like the cliche saying is "you have to kiss multiple frogs before finding your prince." You're bound to mess up when finding the one that's meant for you. Don't regret every almost love you have because it's steering you towards something beautiful.

Here’s to the almost loves; the ones you will never have, but the ones you'll never forget.