After Mr. Booth suggests we go inside, we all sit in the living room. As much room as there was, me, Travis, and Tess still glue ourselves to each other on the couch. Ms. Perry takes the chair next to us as we’re all given something to drink. The three of us leave our sodas on the table, unwilling to move.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come to you first when I found them.” Ms. Perry looks so strange to me, sitting in a comfortable chair with a glass of alcohol. “I wanted to, please believe me, but I needed to make sure everything was ok before I brought them home.”

Mrs. Booth is still wiping away tears. She waves a hand at Ms. Perry, trying to pull herself together. We all watch as her husband takes her hand. I don’t dare look to see what Travis’s face looks like at this moment.

“You brought them back, that’s all that matters.”

None of us smile. I don’t know about Tess or Travis, but I can feel a chill on my neck at all times. I feel worse now than I ever did before.

“I have a friend down at the station, and he informed me as soon as the news came in that the man at large was in custody.”

“How do they know it’s him?” I ask again because I can’t shake this feeling that we aren’t safe, that this ordeal isn’t as done with as they’re letting on.

“Reagan, they were able to match fingerprints. They have him, he’s off the streets, and you’re safe.” As much as I hate Ms. Perry as my teacher, this version of her was different. I knew she could tell I wasn’t satisfied with this, but I felt no judgment, even though I felt out of control. There was nothing about our situation anymore that I had control over. There was no more running away and never coming back.

“Would all of you feel better seeing him in custody? You don’t have to see him face to face. It can be through a one-way mirror or even a monitor. I can talk to my friend, and see what can be done. You don’t have to make any decisions right now, though. I know you don’t feel like it, but you are safe, ok? I promise.”

Tess grabs my hand as Travis leans forward, rubs his face, then turns to me. Our eyes only meet for a moment before she speaks.

“Maybe in a few days we’ll be able to handle something like that,” he answers quietly. The adults all nod, worried eyes so focused on us that I want to cry. I stand up fast, startling everyone, including Tess, whose hand I’m still holding.

“Sorry. I need to pee.”

I don’t realize that I’m not breathing until I start choking. I reach the bathroom door and slam it behind me. Catching my breath, vision blurred, it’s easy to pretend I’m back in our shitty motel bathroom, where no one could touch us, and our lives actually felt like we were moving forward. Now, everything is so mangled and chaotic, that all the parts of my life I kept separate have merged into a mass that sits heavy on my soul.

It’s a force that lets nothing good come in or out. And now more than ever, I feel like I deserve the shit that happens to me. If I were a better person, if I wasn’t so hateful towards my parents, even if I felt like they deserved my indifference towards them, then maybe life would throw something better my way. If I were a better student, friend, daughter, human-

“Reagan.” I blink at my surroundings, a scene that was becoming all too familiar. A secluded place and whatever alcohol we’re able to find. I don’t know when we left Travis and his parents, or Ms. Perry. I keep getting sucked into the black hole that is my life, wondering why I couldn’t just do better when I had the chances to, and then my life wouldn’t be the regret it was.

Why did I have to let my anger lead me through life? Why couldn’t I be more like Tess, be more forgiving and trustful, and let people in? Why did I have to be such a dark person that didn’t give others a chance to show me they were good?

It’s well after midnight, and Tess and I are sitting on the beach. It’s quiet for a really long time. Just the motion of the waves as we pass the bottle back and forth. I hated how the one place that Tess and I once found comfort in was now just as wrecked as we were.

The beach has done nothing to keep my mind away from the thoughts of my heavy, dirty soul. This was punishment, I was sure of it. God dangled everything in front of me, just within reach, then took it away as fast as I pushed people away. Travis was proof of that. He wasn’t ever going to be mine, he was just a taste of what I could have if I wasn’t so shitty.

“I hate how nothing feels right.” Tess murmurs, pulling her hoodie tighter around her as if it could actually ward off the chill that was now always at our backs.

“When did it ever?”

“It didn’t. But this used to.” She waves her hand and I follow it, looking out to the waves beyond us. There is nothing else around us. Our fear, uneasiness, anger, sadness-it’s all there, building as we sit there, but with each sip of alcohol, and each wave that fills the silence, it all starts to ease up on us.

We know better than to get wasted, but we can’t stop ourselves from getting to the point where is doesn’t hurt anymore. I know when we get there because I’ll start crying. When the hurt isn’t there, the emptiness is a reminder of what will be waiting for us tomorrow. But for now, this was our moment to feel nothing. To let the tears out that sometimes I fought too hard to keep from falling.

I really wasn’t as strong as I wished I was. I feel like I’m about to break. After everything we’ve been through I can’t help but think about the fact that Tess and I could very well lose each other.We were dealing with something way beyond anything we should be able to handle. And that scared me.

Tess grabs my hand, and the ocean in front of me blurs.

“Tess, why are you so good to me?” I blurt out. I keep looking out to the waves I can’t see.

“Oh, I guess because I’m so awesome.” She sighs, stroking my hair. When she sees I’m still crying she puts her arms around me. “Regan, it’s so easy. Why are you so good to me? It’s the very same reason.”

“That you can’t help it?”

Tess laughs. “Yeah, something like that.” She puts her warm face next to mine, and I desperately try to find the comfort when our faces touch. I find that Tess’ is dry.

“I like when you let me take care of you.”

I just shake my head. “How are you so calm?”

“Because you need me to be.”