My obsession with the movie "Heathers" is unhealthy. I have a problem and I'm not even a little bit sorry. I wish I was kidding when I say that I talk about it to literally anyone that will stand still for more than two minutes. It's fine. I'm fine. Rather than continue to harass people further than I already do (my mom says I have personal-space issues), here is an article dedicated to convincing the world that the perfect film does exist, and it was brought to light in 1989 by the skilled hands of Michael Lehman and Daniel Waters.
Let's start with our beautiful main character, Veronica Sawyer, played by the goddess Winona Ryder. Veronica gets it. She doesn't always like her friends, in fact, she usually doesn't- but who does, am I right ladies? She wears a monocle which makes her infinitely cooler than us and her diary summarizes all (most) of the thoughts we all had throughout the hell that is high school. It's all just really ~very~. Girlfriend is also a girl genius and should've skipped a few grades but her parents wanted to socialize her so now she is just planning on graduating on time and going Ivy League, it's casual. She is also a total fashion icon. I mean, LOOK at this.
Veronica is also fearless and falls in love with the bad boy who tries to fix her problems (swoon) in spite of his own mess of a life. Don't we all love the fixer-upper boy? Which leads us to Jason Dean.
JD is the love interest of our dear Veronica and he tackles her friend issues by just eliminating them. Literally. He kills Veronica's friends (enemies, same difference). From Daddy issues, to a lost mom, to a God complex,- Jason Dean is the perfect basket case down to the weird hang out, "The Snappy Snack Shack. Not to mention the motorcycle, or that young Christian Slater, who plays our boy toy Jason, is the most oddly sexy human being I have ever seen.
Now you, the reader, an intellectual, are probably saying 'Okay great but what about the Heathers?' Is the film not about its namesake?' Fear not! The Heathers are the least interesting part of the film but since the whole idea is that they adopted Veronica into the group and die because she is sick of being a cool girl, we should also take a look at them.
Enter Heather Chandler, also referred to as a "mythic bitch." JD's first victim arguably deserved what she got (please keep in mind this is a fictional film no one deserves to die). She runs Westerburg High School and at first, Veronica is excited to be taken under her wing. Veronica finds out soon that being popular is a lot more work than it seems and wants out. Luckily JD takes care of Veronica when she cuts ties with Heather which will have seemingly deadly consequences. That being said, the girl could dress and Heather Chandler ruled with an iron fist and a red scrunchie.
Her sidekicks, Heather and Heather are hardly worth mentioning because they're just boring cronies. One tries to kill herself but our heroine Veronica saves the day, duh. Heather Macnamara and Heather Duke are also stylish AF so here they are:
Now as if this classic needed anything else, it has also been made into a Broadway musical which is arguably equal caliber quality as the film. Please follow this link to enjoy a mash-up of the film and movie as a brief teaser before you actually watch them.
PS: This film is NSFW and I would rate it R but PG-13 will probably suffice considering the news is wilder than a cult comedy these days.
So why would you not watch "Heathers?"
