When I was nine years old, I discovered something about myself that would affect me for the rest of my life. Of course it started with a puppy. I got a beagle puppy, and I was so in love with her ornery antics and sweet eyes that I couldn’t leave her for a moment. On the second evening, I began sobbing to my mom about how my beagle was just too cute and that I couldn’t let her sleep by herself all night long again. Her nose was so soft and her brown eyes so sorrowful and her little whine so pathetic when I left her. I was hysterical. My mom’s face looked amused but slightly concerned as she said, “Gracie, what will happen when you fall in love someday? Or have babies? How will you handle it? This is just a puppy and you’re having a breakdown over her cuteness!” Luckily, she was able to put an end to my breakdown with a bubble bath.
That question may have been a joke for her, but it stuck with me, and from that moment on, I began building up my defenses against loving too hard. I avoided expressing my feelings; I avoided having feelings. A few years later, my beagle died and I sobbed my heart out again. Then I met a boy that somehow got through all of the walls that nobody else could. He had soft brown eyes and curly hair, and I couldn’t go to sleep without talking to him at night. But I bolted. I was afraid of loving him too hard.
Some people have a light switch with an adjustable setting to gradually increase or decrease the light. Others have a simple on-off switch like me. These people can only love someone all of the way, but if they decide that it’s not worth it, they turn out the lights. They can’t just turn down the setting to a more moderate light display. For me, the tricky thing is that I’m aware of loving too hard, so I hold it in. You may never know how deeply I love you in my soul. I’m not the little girl with the puppy anymore, letting the world know her feelings and her exasperation in dealing with them. I’m a grownup, attempting to be responsible and safe and evaluative in everything I do. But I’m starting to ask myself the question, “can anyone ever love too hard?” The answer seems to be no. We are meant to love, and to love deeply. My brother commented to me, “I love mentioning your boyfriend’s name because your face instantly lights up and you try to hide your emotions but you can’t!” He followed this statement by chanting his name and laughing hysterically as I blushed deeper each time. He grinned and told me that it was good, that I was learning to be okay with feelings. I miss the puppy girl, and maybe someday I’ll let down my defenses and get her back, and my heart can soar in its freedom to love overwhelmingly once again. After all, what’s the worst that can happen? Hearts can be mended and they can be filled again. And, there may be someone who wants to love you just as hard as you love them.
