3.13.2012 -- "Today was bad. The morning was okay, but as the day went on it only got worse. I hate this depression. I hate it because it comes in random waves and I can't help it. And then the worst part is that I end up hurting the people that I love and they think it's their fault. My parents do their best to help me, but it doesn't help. They keep telling me that I am good enough, yet I feel like I constantly disappoint to them. They don't understand that my self-hate is not a choice or an emotion, it is engrained in my mind and soul. I don't want it there. I want help. I want to go to counseling or someone who will actually understand when I say I truly don't know what's wrong. I want to tell someone who won't think it's for attention. Someone who will help me. Someone who I can't disappoint. I'm not really sure what I feel right now. I didn't sleep much last night... my mind was a horrible place to be. This morning I really felt like cutting myself. I won't. I won't let the addiction take over my life. Everyone tells me that it just makes things worse and that it will only cause more pain, but I'm not sure how because I don't feel anything anyway. I'm not really sure what else to say tonight... I still feel a terrible churning in my stomach and a deep pain in my chest. These sensations are like nothing I've ever felt, it's almost unreal, but it's not. Anyway… I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight, but the only way anyone is safe and happy is if I'm somewhere else. My family says they want me to be with them, but I just make everyone upset. Well bye for now... me."

This was a journal entry I wrote five years ago. As I typed this out, I almost felt ashamed at certain points. I wanted to leave out a few details that would fully disclose the state of my mind at that time. But that wouldn't be honest, as this is truly how I felt. These were the thoughts that took over my life at the age of 15. Living with a mental illness is not rational. It's not a choice. During the first week of October, National Alliance on Mental Health and other organizations work to break the stigma surrounding mental illness. I invite you to join me in creating awareness and exposing the harmful stigmas surrounding mental health.

My mental illness felt like I was constantly being choked. At times I could feel a palpable gripping sensation in my chest. You may have heard a saying that goes something like this, "Depression feels like drowning while you can see everyone else breathing." My mental illness felt that way. I didn't understand why I was constantly struggling to stay above water or why I was forever fighting for my next breath. My entire life was a battle; there was no time clock, there was no light at the end of the tunnel, no fifteen-minute intermission. I felt that there was no reprieve from the pain and when I was lucky enough to fall asleep, I had nightmares. I thought I would never be able to cope with my pain in a "normal" way. Mental illness felt like a small box that I could not break out of no matter how hard I kicked and screamed.

Six months of counseling, 5 years, and a few dozen battles later I am free from my mental illness. My mental illness now feels like an opportunity to minister to others, to be a witness of God's miraculous healing, to be a hand to hold. I will never be ashamed of my battle with mental illness because what the Lord did through those struggles is worth far more than the years I spent in pain. You are not less if you have/had a mental illness. You are not worthless. On the contrary, you have such a huge opportunity to share your story and to help others around you. Everyone says, "It will get better, just hang on.", but what they don't tell you is that it might not get better tomorrow, or next week, or even next year. You will feel hopeless. You will feel like the world would be better off without you. These are all lies. Our minds do not naturally think kindly of us. We have to train our minds to love us, to love our flaws and shortcomings. To love ourselves when others shove us into the dirt and leave us alone. You are not alone.

In our culture today, mental illness is most often seen as something to be ashamed of. It is a weakness or a failure on the part of the mentally ill. Even in the church, it is a subject that is often avoided because being depressed is a sin, didn’t you know? If you have been afflicted by mental illness, please know that you are not weak and you are not less. There is a Healer who is waiting for you with his arms open wide saying, "My child, I created you. You are beautiful to me. Come rest in my embrace." I am not saying that the road to recovery will be easy, but it is absolutely worth it.

There are options; there is healing, there are people who want to help. I think we need to do a better job as Christians and human beings to destroy this stigma. You would not tell someone with cancer to just be positive, so please do not tell someone with depression to just be happier. Healing does not come from putting on a cheesy grin and faking your way through life. Healing comes from taking down the walls you’ve built around your heart and allowing people to walk alongside you.

"I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize that He is able to carry out His will for me. It does not matter where He places me, or how. That is for Him to consider, not me, for in the easiest positions He will give me grace, and in the most difficult ones His grace is sufficient."
-Hudson Taylor

"If I had not felt certain that every additional trial was ordered by infinite love and mercy, I could not have survived my accumulated suffering."
-Adoniram Judson