Every morning, I wake up to the sound of my alarm letting me know that it's time to get ready to start yet another day. I get ready for my day. I go to class. I go to practice, to work, to one of the various locations on campus to study.
I hang out with my friends. I crack jokes; I go out of my way to make people laugh and return the favor with obnoxious howling that erupts deep from within my gut.
I have depression. Not all of my days are the "before" of advertisements for anti-depressants. Thanks to some medication and therapy, it seems to follow the path of the "after." Most of the time I feel like I'm living a normal life, however normal is defined.
But of course there are the days when I feel like I completely took a 180. As if the year of healing and forcing myself to just get out of bed today, to just get through this one day until you can make it back to the comfort of your room only to be met with the same painfully numb sensation, of trying so hard to make everyone seem like you actually have your shit together for once, meant completely nothing.
Healing is not linear. It is a constant roller coaster of being okay and being great and being back at square one. It's feeling like normality is possible and life is brighter than you realized, and sobbing uncontrollably before going into a state where it seems like your mind is anywhere but the next day. It takes a toll on your body and mind and it's messy, oh so horribly and utterly messy. Sometimes I feel like a walking poster child for being a basket case.
Hello, here I am. I wake up sometimes and can jump out of bed and start my day without a hitch, and sometimes I only leave it to go to the bathroom. Sometimes I go to class and am completely in love with the idea of pursuing my dream, or I want to drop out because that seems best. I'm the friend who you can rely on for a laugh or the one that disappears for days, even weeks at a time because the thought of letting anyone know that I'm struggling even the tiniest bit is just way too annoying for anyone to handle in my eyes.
Hello, I am a normal human being. I ride the roller coaster without knowing where the track is going to take me next, and I'm slowly accepting it.
