Often our loved ones have struggles we cannot relate to from experience. Sometimes, just caring about these friends or family members is enough to help well. When the issue or struggle isn’t too serious, or when we are very close to the person, or in several other circumstances we do not need to have been through the same struggle to give adequate help and support.
However, sometimes our lack of personal experience with the struggle severely reduces our ability to support or help our loved ones. Trying to help in these situations can be a waste of time at best, and sometimes it can be damaging.
There are a few signs that this may be the case. When we cannot understand at all how our loved ones could be tempted or plagued with their struggles, or when we do not see why they consider the issue to be so serious or harmful, these are often good indicators that our attempts to help will not be beneficial. When learning about their struggles makes us look down on them despite knowing they are trying to escape them, or when we ourselves have struggles that are extremely difficult for us but also near opposites of theirs, this can also make it much harder to help.
Most of us will sooner or later have loved ones who need our support with struggles we have not faced. Just because we haven’t faced them doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to be there for them however we can. Instead, in these situations we should keep in mind that it will be harder for us to help as well as if we had that experience. Simply keeping this in mind will help us to have greater sensitivity.
Sometimes more is needed. For instance, when our lack of experience keeps us from taking the struggle seriously or from understanding it very much, we should seek a balance between listening to our loved ones, asking them questions to better understand, and refraining from pestering them or unduly pressuring them into explaining better, which may make them feel lonelier about their struggle. It is also important to think objectively about whether we have really struggled with the same thing or not, because sometimes we may feel as if we have when we haven’t, and insisting that we understand when we do not never helps.
Thinking deeper and longer about how our experiences line up, or do not line up, with those of our loved ones, as well as remembering how much we care for them, are good starting points for learning how to be considerate when we don't understand their struggles.
