I Hated Myself | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

I Hated Myself

And The Moment It All Changed

250
I Hated Myself
Kellen Hanley

I hated myself.

Do you remember the first time you thought you were pretty?

Maybe it was how your eyes caught the light, shining ever so slightly in the sun—golds and a myriad of different colors emerging. Or maybe, your hair was fashioned in just a way that you looked elegant and effortless all at the same time. Or maybe an outfit just made you want to twirl around, puff up your chest, sight straight and get to work. The first time I thought I was pretty, was two weeks ago.

I’ve written on this before—appearance is something I’ve greatly struggled with throughout a majority of my entire life—weight being the primary issue for me. I always thought that if I lost weight, or that if I could just squeeze into the smaller dress, or if I did this or that or anything else, I would be beautiful. But the problem wasn’t with my weight, or my skin or my hair, it was with me—my perception of beauty, specifically.

I was raised in a society where beauty meant thin, tall models, never too tall, but not short, flouting around in barely there outfits, laughing, perfect filters covering them, with Instagram feeds that look as if they were crafted by Annie Lebowitz herself. And I wanted that. I wanted the body that was athletic, but not too athletic, the hair that was curled just so, the perfect smile, the nice laugh, the flawless skin. I wanted to be perfect. And when I didn’t live up to my insane standards, I rejected myself in a way that I would never do to another.

That’s the thing with me—I’ll be the kindest ray of sunshine in your life; I’ll compliment you, and mean it, I’ll laugh with you and mean it, but on the inside? I’m thinking of every. tiny. Minuscule. thing I’m doing wrong or how I could fix it. It’s awful, isn't it? Living life in a shadow you’ve created for yourself. And that’s what I was doing to myself for such an incredibly long time.

But thankfully, God willing, I saw sunshine. It was a Friday afternoon, just after classes, and I was sitting under a tree, enjoying the weather. I was sitting with friends, just soaking it all in. The grass. The trees. The sound of the wind. The slightly cold earth beneath my toes. I wasn’t wearing anything fancy—a tank top, a necklace, some jeans cuffed at the ankle, no shoes, not a lick of makeup on my face.

And I got a notification on my phone—a SnapChat from a friend. And I just turned and the thought came to my head. You look radiant today, Kellen. And I did. I looked content and happy and so at peace with the world. I almost couldn’t believe I had thought that. I felt wrong for thinking that. But you’re heavy, a voice rang in my mind. But you are beautiful.

For so long, I’m sure so many of us, have placed this version of our ideal self on this pedestal—unattainable and impossible to reach, no matter how far we stretch our fingers and stand on our tiptoes to reach them, we can’t. We can come close. But there will always be more. And that drive, while so wonderful in so many other instances of life, can really, really hurt us—or at the least how we perceive ourselves. And this world is so vast. So beautiful. There’s so much to see and do and experience. But we can never truly value any of it, if we aren’t comfortable in our own world, living our own lives.

This wasn’t the be all end all—I am sure I will always struggle a little bit with my appearance, but I’ve bottled that love and joy and put it in a little jar on my internal shelf—so on those days where I feel down or low or sad, I can just take the little jar, and remember the day in the sun where I felt radiant.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Entertainment

Every Girl Needs To Listen To 'She Used To Be Mine' By Sara Bareilles

These powerful lyrics remind us how much good is inside each of us and that sometimes we are too blinded by our imperfections to see the other side of the coin, to see all of that good.

129738
Every Girl Needs To Listen To 'She Used To Be Mine' By Sara Bareilles

The song was sent to me late in the middle of the night. I was still awake enough to plug in my headphones and listen to it immediately. I always did this when my best friend sent me songs, never wasting a moment. She had sent a message with this one too, telling me it reminded her so much of both of us and what we have each been through in the past couple of months.

Keep Reading...Show less
Zodiac wheel with signs and symbols surrounding a central sun against a starry sky.

What's your sign? It's one of the first questions some of us are asked when approached by someone in a bar, at a party or even when having lunch with some of our friends. Astrology, for centuries, has been one of the largest phenomenons out there. There's a reason why many magazines and newspapers have a horoscope page, and there's also a reason why almost every bookstore or library has a section dedicated completely to astrology. Many of us could just be curious about why some of us act differently than others and whom we will get along with best, and others may just want to see if their sign does, in fact, match their personality.

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

20 Song Lyrics To Put A Spring Into Your Instagram Captions

"On an island in the sun, We'll be playing and having fun"

29607
Person in front of neon musical instruments; glowing red and white lights.
Photo by Spencer Imbrock on Unsplash

Whenever I post a picture to Instagram, it takes me so long to come up with a caption. I want to be funny, clever, cute and direct all at the same time. It can be frustrating! So I just look for some online. I really like to find a song lyric that goes with my picture, I just feel like it gives the picture a certain vibe.

Here's a list of song lyrics that can go with any picture you want to post!

Keep Reading...Show less
Chalk drawing of scales weighing "good" and "bad" on a blackboard.
WP content

Being a good person does not depend on your religion or status in life, your race or skin color, political views or culture. It depends on how good you treat others.

We are all born to do something great. Whether that be to grow up and become a doctor and save the lives of thousands of people, run a marathon, win the Noble Peace Prize, or be the greatest mother or father for your own future children one day. Regardless, we are all born with a purpose. But in between birth and death lies a path that life paves for us; a path that we must fill with something that gives our lives meaning.

Keep Reading...Show less
Health and Wellness

10 Hygiene Tips For All College Athletes

College athletes, it's time we talk about sports hygiene.

27358
Woman doing pull-ups on bars with sun shining behind her.

I got a request to talk about college athletes hygiene so here it is.

College athletes, I get it, you are busy! From class, to morning workouts, to study table, to practice, and more. But that does not excuse the fact that your hygiene comes first! Here are some tips when it comes to taking care of your self.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments