Shark Tank is that show you watch after you've already flipped through all of the good HBO channels and nothing else is on, or if you're in the mood for a battle royal.
Hopeful pioneers, who have spent their life savings crafting a patent, step into the ring with top dog millionaires who are eager to rip the rug of optimism out from under their feet (and their awful invention).
"Go home, Susan! You don't stand a chance!", you scream between scoops of Ben and Jerry's. "The world isn't ready for your inflatable back pack!"
While some of the pitches we see are, in fact, million dollar ideas, the investors never shy away from delving out a dose of reality or speaking their minds in a characteristic way.
Mark Cuban.
Mark is like that goofy older brother who watches basketball all day and thinks of ways to consistently insult you. Though he disguises it as humor, he is the reason you have developed a complex, and you're not sure how you feel about it.
Kevin O'Leary.
Kevin is straight up the Grinch, and he doesn't care how cute your daughter looks in your UV blocking sunflower hat - how many have you sold?
Daymond John.
Daymond doesn't say much. He just sits there looking fly as hell and waits for you to either bury yourself or get ripped to shreds by the other sharks. At that point he can respectfully say, "I'm out."
Barbara Corcoran.
Barbara is about as threatening as a miniature Dachshund. She is not on every episode, and though she has the money and power to be considered a shark, she is far less confrontational than the others, and she'd love to try your low-cal dragonfruit blend!
Lori Greiner.
She nods and listens, smiles and encourages, and makes you feel like your product will be the best on shelf. Until she sends you on your way with nothing but a good luck wish and a once treasured broken dream. Thanks Lori. I'll see ya on QVC.
Robert Herjavec.
Saving the best for last, Robert is like the rich step-father you never had, or your wealthy best friend's father who is always willing to give you financial advice. He's pulling for you, but as soon as you f*ck up, he's out.
