I’m a reasonable guy. I don’t like to get worked up online. But this past weekend marked the release of the new "Ghostbusters" reboot, and I am furious. I’m furious that this beloved classic of my childhood is being ruined, I’m furious that the Ghostbusters are a bunch of sissy women, and I’m furious that girls refuse to talk to me in any capacity.
The Ghostbusters have been my heroes since I was 7 years old. When I would come home from school crying because none of the girls in my class gave me a valentine or the teacher put me in time out for looking up her skirt, I would always find comfort in the Ghostbusters’ paranormal exploits. I loved their hilarious quips and irreverent attitudes — something I’ve tried to emulate as I’ve grown up and been repeatedly and emphatically rejected by every woman I meet.
But this new reboot is a disgusting desecration of my childhood. Remaking an iconic film is one thing, but getting rid of all the cool, non-intimidating guys and replacing them with big scary women, all of whom look eerily similar to my female coworkers who asked to switch departments because I was “skeeving them out” and displaying “inappropriate and disgusting behavior?" Well, that’s just not the Ghostbusters I know and love.
It doesn’t help that they’ve cast some of the worst actresses in Hollywood to play these iconic roles. Kristen Wiig starred in the overrated "Bridesmaids," which I listed as my favorite movie on OkCupid to seem like I don’t hate women, but somehow I still haven’t received a single message to this day. Melissa McCarthy plays the same role in every movie: a hilarious, confident woman who I would be too intimidated to talk to in person. Kate McKinnon looks way too much like a girl in my high school calculus class who I had a huge crush on, but was too busy “having a boyfriend” to notice my existence. And the less I say about Leslie Jones, the better — especially while that restraining order is in effect.
And while this film is held up as a beacon of equality, every guy portrayed in the movie is a complete idiot or a total creep. What about a guy like me, who’s both a creep and an idiot? Where’s MY movie?
This movie is a slap in the face to the "Ghostbusters" fanbase, and as anyone who’s seen me talk to women at a bar can attest, I know a lot about being slapped in the face. We cannot allow this classic comedy to become a chick flick where Kristen Wiig friend-zones Slimer or Leslie Jones refuses to sleep with a ghost even though he bought her two drinks.
To director Paul Feig, writer Katie Dippold, and the entire cast and crew of "Ghostbusters," you have ruined my favorite movie, and I will get my revenge by boycotting every movie any of you make for the rest of your careers. Take it from a guy who’s been fired from three separate Best Buy locations for sexual harassment: When you do something this bad, people just don’t want to associate with you.
