I'm relatively open about my sexuality. In articles before, I've discussed it and answered questions. I'm always open to having a conversation about asexuality -- what it means, how it's different than celibacy, and stuff like that. I crack jokes and use my ace identity as a bit of a comedy routine. I'm not ashamed of being ace, nor will I really ever be.
That doesn't mean I don't wish I could change it.
Being asexual means a lot of things. It means not having a sexual attraction to people, point blank. It also means feeling like you're missing out on a very common human experience. It means you don't feel the same way everyone else does. It means facing aphobia -- people who are outright antagonistic towards ace people -- in a community that preaches inclusion.
But the worst part about being ace is how alone you feel.
As a sex-repulsed asexual, I find that I'm not super into the whole "sexual liberation" part of society these days; that's fine! I physically couldn't care less about people's sex lives! However, I do dream of being in a romantic relationship at least once before I die, and being ace gets in the way of that pretty frequently.
How do you tell your partner that yeah, you love them and enjoy spending time with them, but you will never feel the same way that they might feel about you? How do you tell them that having sex is less of a promise and more of a possibility? Even if you're married? How do you look someone in the eyes and deny them one of the most basic human "impulses"?
It's a question that I ponder frequently, and not one I've ever quite had the answer to. It's stopped me from pursuing and staying in relationships.
Being asexual is a large part of my identity, so it's unfortunate that it's the part of me that I want to change. However, I've talked to other people on the ace spectrum, and found that I'm not alone in feeling so lonely.
I hope this article finds the next me. I hope this article reaches someone who feels stuck in their identity, and needs to be validated. Being asexual is okay. How you feel about being asexual is okay. Just know there is a community out there waiting for you with open arms and hearts.