To my hardest breakup,

I have had many heartbreaks that I thought, at the time, had caused the most pain I would ever feel. I remember losing the boy I claimed was my first love. I remember being hurt in the hallways of Middle School with hundreds of other kids surrounding us. I remember growing older and breaking up with someone and it hurt so much that I almost didn’t go through with it even though I needed to. I can still feel the pain of sitting in the front pouch with the man I thought I would marry, crying together as he realized that we weren’t going to make it past high school.

I have had breakups that have beaten me to my knees, kept me in my bed, had me crying until I thought I couldn’t even feel anymore - let alone cry. But the hardest breakup I have ever had was the day that I lost you.

No matter how old I get, whenever I feel like life has no future I will hold tightly to the teddy bear I got when I was four years old. I remember that night, feeling like a little girl too afraid of tomorrow as I gripped my bear as hard as I could. It got to the point that you would come over and insist on playing with it until I finally took you to get your own on our anniversary. Afterwards, any time you came to my house and spent the night you would bring it. I thought maybe if I squeezed hard enough that it would bring you back to me.

We met while I was at a low point of my life. I put on a mask at school and pretended to be cool, dated all the hottest guys, and impressed all my teachers - no one could see that I was hiding the fact that I never had any true friends. Since the very moment we met, I have never been the same. You shaped me into a better person. I laughed harder, I smiled brighter, and I turned my life back over to God. I was kinder, I was stronger, and for the first time, I felt real love.

From that moment, I wanted you by my side. If someone invited me to a party, it meant that they had invited us. If I needed to go on a drive I took you along to sing to the radio. Every task I faced I called you to talk about it before taking the step towards my final decision. No matter how much I wanted to be alone, I always wanted to be alone, but with you in the room with me. There were even days when I would need some time to myself and I could text you and you would come over and agree to my day of minimal talking. You were the only person that I felt was honest with me.

I told all of my biggest secrets to you. You were the only one that knew that comforting me when I was crying meant that you never hugged me, but instead got a box of tissues, let me cry, and sat close enough that one of our knees were always touching. You became my second half. You were the person I laughed the hardest with over the stupidest analogies, parodies, or posed questions. You were the person I sang loudest with.

You were the one that knew that I needed to just be a kid and watch Winnie the Pooh every once in a while. You were the person that understood every piece of me. You were the one that took notice whenever I would blurt out “oh I need that!” And then on my birthday, you gave me a gift filled with all the random junk that I said I had needed all those weeks ago. I experienced life with you.

I jumped out of a moving car with you, I looked at the stars at three am with you, and I had my first drink with you. Every high in my life, every low, I can look through it all and see you there with me.

That’s until I made the biggest mistake of my life by forcing you to walk away. After hanging up the phone, I sat on the swings for awhile until I gathered enough strength to walk back home. I heard it in your voice, you weren’t happy with what I said. I told myself that we had been through everything together, surely we would make it through this.

I knew I was lying to myself, and I spent that entire night crying being torn between standing up for my feelings and supporting you. I denied it as long as I could before I got the text that made me realize I had lost you and once again I would never be the same.

Here are the things I never told you, and always wished I had that night on the phone. In the end, all I wanted was for you to be the happiest you could ever be. Regardless of whatever I would have to work through, I wanted you to be happy because that alone would bring happiness to my life. I should have placed aside my feelings and supported you. I should have endorsed you. I should have given you my blessing and told you that I wanted the best for you! I should have let you shine more. I should not have questioned you as much.

I should have trusted you in every decision. I should have sat back and cheered you on. I should have texted you more. I should have listened. I should have, I wish I did, I could have…and I didn’t. I didn’t, and I ache every time I see you now. I cry every time I see a photo of the “old” us, the people that others looked at with envy because they wanted a relationship like we had.

My stomach drops every time I have to tell someone that we don’t speak much anymore. I cried for weeks. Any time that something hard happened in my life, I cried knowing I couldn’t talk to you.

I felt broken when you blocked me. I felt unworthy when your friends scorned me. I felt despair every time I saw a photo of you with someone, knowing they gave you the support I failed to give you. I didn’t, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being jealous of you and preventing you from having your own spotlight.

I’m sorry for always expecting you to support me and never cheering you on as loud as I needed to. I’m sorry for always trying to connect your dilemmas to mine in order to give you advice instead of just listening and being there. I’m sorry, I should have…and I didn’t.

I need you to know now, I support you. If I could go back to that day, it would be the first wish I’d make. You were my light and when you left I lost myself — but you found yourself and for that, I am eternally grateful. I’m thankful after a year apart that you speak to me now. I know we will never be the same, but you had to let me go in order to become who you were meant to be and I will never hold that against you.

But one thing will always haunt me - your wedding day. I promised your dad when we were only sixteen that I would stand with you on your wedding day, I would love you, I would protect you, and I would care for you. I’ve broken that promise and I will never forgive myself for that.

Out of all the breakups that have beaten me down to my knees and have made me cry until I felt there was nothing left. The guys that I cried for days over, the ones that ripped my heart in two, even the ones that I fought for with everything I had - my hardest break up was losing my best friend.

My second half. No boyfriend will ever compare to the girl that I had beside me. I didn’t, I should have, and I’m forever sorry.

Love,

The Old Best Friend