Tinder is a weird, weird place to be. I’m crazy lite (the skinny vanilla latte of crazy; bad for you but it won’t kill you), so I have an extremely aggressive filtering process for Tinder that basically means I swipe left 96% of the time. Here are some of my Tinder immediate lefts:
LEFT: If it’s a photo of you and something dead
Seriously, why? Fish, bear, deer, whatever, it’s dead and has no place on your Tinder. What does it say about you? That you think you’ll attract a woman by blatantly showing her you’re DTK (down to kill) at a moment’s notice? I’ll tell you what it says: “do not get into a car, house, room, bed, coffee shop, any small, enclosed area with me.”
LEFT: A picture of your car
Unless you drive a Maserati, I really, really do not care about your car. Your Dodge Challenger does not make my ovaries scream. It’s a Dodge. Even if it is an actual Maserati, the likelihood you paid for it is zero so that’s not really a testament to you, it’s a testament to your parents, who aren’t swiping left or right on my profile, you are.
LEFT: Mirror selfies/your profile is entirely selfies
You should have photos with the friends that I hope you have to take photos with you/of you. Let’s also not forget that any of the photos you have on your profile are photos you have on your Facebook page. What, exactly, are mirror selfies doing on your Facebook page?
LEFT: It’s all group pictures with more than one other person
I can tell which one you are if it’s a few pictures of you and your sister, or you and your best friend, and then a group picture to prove you have more than one friend. But if it’s five pictures of you and everyone who lived on your floor freshman year, I’m not taking the time to find out which one you are unless you all happen to be Zac Efron.
LEFT: I can’t see your face
Hockey, lacrosse, football, the helmet isn’t enough for a right swipe. I need to know if you have a face under there or not. For all those girls who let this happen, check yourself before you wreck yourself.
LEFT: “I’m looking for a serious relationship”
NO YOU AREN’T. NO. YOU. ARE. NOT. If you are, go meet someone in real life. Go, be free of swipes. If you’re just saying it to get a right swipe, I’m serious, nobody is swiping right for that lie.
LEFT: One of your pics has an obvious ex-girlfriend in it
I really don’t want to have to wonder if you’re cheating on your girlfriend and using pics of her in your profile. That’s not worth the stress that would put into my life. If you don’t have any photos with anyone else, maybe it’s time to make some more friends.
LEFT: Gym selfies
These get their own category because they’re the worst selfie of all selfies. If I wanted to, I could probably figure out whether or not you worked out by using Tinder the way you’re supposed to and not for a good giggle like I do. I don’t need pictures of you at the gym flexing and making a face like someone’s torturing you to understand that you go to the gym. It’s irrelevant to me.
At the end of the day, I swipe right on basically nobody. Hopefully, this inspires a few people to change their profiles, because I’m feeling like swiping right on 5% instead of 4% of people. I want to believe in humanity like that.
