When I go to conventions, I think of them as my happy place. I love walking around and seeing all the love people have for their fandom community, and I love visiting panels to talk about my fandom like I would with people who understand me. When I entered a panel I was pretty excited about, I didn't expect to be turning away from it so quickly.
To protect the privacy of the person I'm going to be talking about, I'm going to be naming this person Kendra. Kendra was a friend of mine when I started 9th grade. I was pretty miserable in the school - I didn't want to go there, but it was a magnet school my mom insisted would be great for me. I found solace in being in the school musical, "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown," and that's where I met Kendra. We were in the ensemble together and did hair and makeup as well. Kendra and I were inseparable and loved hanging out with each other at rehearsal. Throughout the process of the show, we watched many of the ensemble characters quit, but through it all, we stuck it out. Being in the school musical really made me feel like I belonged at this school. Though I had planned on transferring to the school I had wanted to go to all along by next year, as the show went on and I made friends with the people in drama club, I decided that I'd think about staying. But then, the school musical ended, and it was not all well.
Because I thought they'd make a great pair, I introduced my Kendra to one of my best friends from middle school. The two talked and went on a date, but because of the differences between them and distance, it didn't work out. This made Kendra so mad. This is where her true colors had finally come out. She decided to tell me that she never really wanted to be my friend; I was annoying and she had to use her best acting skills with me. This crushed me. I was finally at a place where I was happy with my decision of staying at this school, and she took advantage of my vulnerability and brought me down. After this, I made a decision to not stay at this school and transfer to where I wanted to go. I felt so betrayed.
When I walked into this panel, it had turned out Kendra was a moderator for it. I felt so scared. I hadn't seen her in over 5 years. She had looked different, and more confident in herself. In high school. she was bullied a lot for who she was, but she looked more confident and looked like she found where she belonged with the friends she had near her on the panel. I loved participating in panels, but couldn't participate and be my true self around her. I felt too scared that she'd notice me and think poorly of me. I left the panel early, and I was so mad at myself for allowing her to bring me down once I left that room.
Though seeing her brought back terrible memories, I had to admit she looked great, and I was excited to see that she was working with these great people that were on the panel I had gotten to know while being at this convention all weekend. I thought about talking to her and saying hello, but being there really made me feel like I hadn't fully forgiven her. While talking to a friend about this, he reminded me that it's okay to be happy for a person, but at the same time not forgive them. I don't know anything about Kendra these days, so it's not fair to say she's the same person she was in 9th grade, but I don't need to forgive her just because she looks happy.
