What It’s Like to Find Myself

It’s another day. You wake up and snooze your alarm until you finally feel defeated and turn it off just to lie in bed. You miss class. You have no motivation and the days get longer. You feel drained and you ask yourself over and over “what happened?”

My whole life I was taught the importance to be selfless and generous. Putting people first became a huge problem for me because my happiness took the backseat many times.

When I entered college I didn’t know who I was and I knew these years were going to be the most important to figure that out. But how was I supposed to do that while always putting others first?

I always thought that putting people first was the right thing to do, no matter how many times it would come back to hurt me. I gave so many people chances that shouldn’t have even deserved it. The more that I did that the more it would hurt me.

I had this empty feeling inside of me and the only way I thought I could fix it was by throwing myself into relationships that I wasn’t ready for. Or by drinking. It caused many fights and a lot of pain on others and myself. It made me hit rock bottom. I was lost. I didn’t feel like I was where I was supposed to be. The days got longer and the mornings got harder for me to get up. My insecurities grew more than I could imagine. I lost myself depending on others.

The problem was that I found my happiness in things that had the possibility to leave. It gave me temporary happiness. What I really needed to do was find it in myself and in God. Happiness is an inside job. No one should have that power over your own life.

“Be still, and know that I am God”

-Psalms 46:10

God gave me peace. The night I knew I had hit rock bottom is the night that He spoke to me. I didn’t know what had happened or where to turn to. I opened my bible for the first time in probably a year and He was there waiting. The first thing I read was “Be still, and know that I am God”. At that moment I knew what He meant. God wanted me to give Him my worries and insecurities. He wanted my heart more than anything and that’s what I gave Him.

“The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.”

-Psalms 29:11

The more I give myself to God the more at peace I feel with my life. I know I have messed up in the past and I know that I have done some things that I will never be proud of. But giving all my worries and insecurities to God has helped me move past those problems and helped me to start working on the best me that I can be for myself and for Him. Putting people and myself first at the same time for the right reasons has become a smaller problem. You can be selfless and generous while putting your happiness first too. I will struggle and I will fail, but having faith will keep me on my feet. It’s easier to go through life with your best friend by your side.

“I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous”

-Joshua 1:5-6