Being the anxious person that I am and also knowing how unpredictable this life can be, I wrote something for everyone I love to make sure they'd know just how much they meant to me if I ever had an untimely departure (incredibly dark, I know). But that's who I am.
So if I had to say goodbye, this is what I'd say:
To my mother- Thank you. I know I never deserved a woman as wonderful as you. I can't count the ways in which you have impacted my life. I always knew I was loved, even when I was unsure, I knew. What a powerful thing. And I can never repay you for what you did for me, but knowing you, you would never ask me to. You did it because your heart is big and your soul is good. I'm sorry for all the times I yelled at you or took you for granted. Regrettably, I have to admit, that that happened quite a bit. But there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't love you. I'm eternally grateful to be your daughter.
To my father- I know it didn't seem like it, but I appreciated everything you did for me. I understand now that it wasn't easy for you to be away so much. You just had this inner desire to provide for your family. I admire you for that. I'm sorry for the times you asked me to dinner and I declined because I was too tired. You deserved better. But I cherish the times we did spend together. The hikes we took on dangerous mountains, the times I kicked your ass in frisbee golf (or lost and threw a tantrum), or just watching sports in the living room. You're a great father. As your father would say, "better than most."
To my brothers- I know we aren't close. Hell I can't even tell you what your favorite colors are. No, something about our relationship just never clicked. But you're my brothers. And I love you. Even though I was too scared to say it. I think I was afraid you wouldn't say it in return, so I kept it to myself. Or more so that I knew you didn't feel the same. And that's okay. But I'm saying it now: I love you both. I'm sorry for all the times I annoyed you when your friends were around. But I am your little sister, and that was a part of my job. You've turned into strong men now. And I am so proud.
To my sister- I don't think anyone protected me the way you did. You always had my back. I miss that. The day you were placed underground replays in my head every night. Every night. And every time I try to hit the fast forward button it seems to make the events unfold slower. I miss you like hell. Because you got me. In a way that no one ever had. You were my hero, my role model, my best friend. I will see you soon.
To my best friends-Thank you for spending the night with me, even when you were hundreds of miles away. Thank you for always being there for me in times of crisis and in times of triumph. Without you, there wouldn't be a "me." And I can't express how grateful I am for you. I know you would move heaven and earth in order to help me. As I would do the same for you. So while I'm up here, I promise to cover the heaven part. All you have to worry about is what's happening on earth. I love you. And I will always be here for you, the same way you all were for me. You are, and will always be, my family.
To my boyfriend- You changed my life. Do you know that? I don't think you could ever understand the impact you had on me. You reminded me of what happiness tastes like. Something I never thought I would experience again. There are no thank yous for what you've done for me. My words just couldn't do it justice. Nothing could. I never knew what true love was, but I'm so happy I got to learn before I had to go. You were everything to me. Never forget that. Everything made sense when I was with you. I no longer questioned my purpose and I had faith in something more. You made my life worth living. Until we meet again, my love. Until we meet again.
To all I loved- As I depart from this world and enter into a new one, I need you to remember something: I carry your love with me as I go. And right now as you read this, know that a part of you lives in heaven. And just as I have carried your love with me, I ask that you carry mine with you. Somehow, I think it will help to guide you. This is goodbye for now. I love you all.
