To The Guy That I Will Give My Heart To Next

To The Guy That I Will Give My Heart To Next

I am fragile, broken, my walls are up, and I apologize for a lot of things but I can also promise you a few things as well.

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Let me start by saying that I am sorry for being broken. I am sorry for all of the future conversations we will have about why you like me or why you want to be with me because I just needed that reassurance. I am sorry for wanting to push you away whenever things are good between us. I am sorry that whenever I am upset I may shut down and not talk or act like when I am okay when it is clear as day that I have been crying. When you say "I am different" or "I am not like the other guys" I've heard it before so even though I am giving you a chance; I also have my walls up to protect my heart. I have been hurt so many times and as much as I do not want to compare you to the guys that have hurt me I simply cannot help it. I know that this first part has been pretty harsh and gloomy but, I can promise you a few things.

I promise that I will try my best to not push you away just because I am scared.
I know that I tend to push people away because I don't want them to see me scared or I am waiting for that ball to drop so instead of waiting I just want to avoid the bad things; so when I am scared or whenever things get bad I will not push you away. I will try my best to work through whatever is going on and stick by your side.

I promise to have heart checks with you not just to see how our relationship is doing, but to also see how you are doing.
I know that I am complicated and have a tendency to want to know how you feel about our relationship, but I also want to know how you personally are doing and how you are feeling about life and have the heart to heart moments with you.

I promise to give you a chance at sweeping me off of my feet.
I may be broken and I may have my walls up but I will give you a chance at melting my cold heart. I will try my best to remember that you are different and that you could be worth the risk. You could be the person that makes all of the past heartache worth it but if I do not give you the chance to sweep me off of my feet I will never know.

More importantly; I promise to be your partner in our faith and not only lead myself closer to God but, lead you closer as well.
I promise to help lead you to the cross and be there for you whenever you need me. I know that times will be tempting but I will be by your side to hold you accountable. I promise to help you hold the weight of your cross because I know that you would do the same thing for me.

I know I haven't said this yet and I will probably feel like I have not said this enough but thank you.
Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for giving me time to open up to you but most of all; thank you for making me want to not only be a better person but for wanting to be a better Christian.

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An Open Letter To My Boyfriend's Mom

A simple thank you is not enough.
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Your son and I have been dating a while now and I just wanted to thank you for everything.

Wow, where do I start? Ever since the day your son brought me into your home you have shown me nothing but kindness. I have not one negative thought about you and I am truly thankful for that. I first and foremost want to thank you for welcoming me with open arms. There are horror stories of mothers resenting their son's girlfriends and I am blessed there is no resentment or harsh feelings.

Thank you for treating me like one of your children, with so much love but knowing exactly when to tease me.

Thank you for sticking up for me when your son teases me, even though I know it’s all in good fun it's always comforting knowing you have someone by your side.

Thank you for raising a man who respects women and knows how to take responsibility of mistakes and not a boy who is immature and doesn’t take responsibility.

Thank you for always including me in family affairs, I may not be blood family but you do everything you can to make sure I feel like I am.

Thank you for letting me make memories with your family.

There is nothing I value more in this world then memories with friends and family and I am thankful you want and are willing to include me in yours. I have so much to thank you for my thoughts keep running together.

The most important thing I have to thank you for is for trusting me with your son. I know how precious and valuable he is and I won't break his heart. I will do everything I can to make him happy. This means more than you could ever imagine and I promise I will never break your trust.

The second most important thing I must thank you for is for accepting me for who I am. Never have you ever wished I looked like another girl or acted like another girl. You simply love and care for me and that’s all I could ever ask. Every person in this world is a unique different person and understanding that means a lot.

The third most important thing I must thank you is teaching me how to one day in the future treat a potential girlfriend that I may interact with as a mother. I am not a mother, but I one day plan to be. If I ever have a son it is because of how you treated me that I am able to be a humble loving mother to this new face that could one day walk into my door. How you have treated me has taught me how I should one day be in the future and I thank you for that.

This may seem all over the place but that’s how my brain gets when I try and thank you for everything you have done for me. It’s all so much and even the little things are so important so I promise my scattered thoughts are all with good intentions and not meant to bombard you. I just want to get the idea across to you that you are important and special to me and everything you do does not go unnoticed.

Sincerely,

Your Son’s Girlfriend

Cover Image Credit: Christian Images and Quotes

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I Bruised A Boy's Heart To Fix My Own

You don't need a boy (or anyone for that matter) to make you feel validated or okay with yourself.

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There is always going to be a time in a person's life where they have to play the bad guy. For me, this was when I chose to break a boys heart in order to heal my own.

For most of my adult life I have been in a relationship. I fell in love with a boy when I was 18, and that was that. It wasn't all rainbows and sunshine, but I was happy. Recently we split for the final time, nearly 13 months later. The moment I knew I was leaving him behind, my heart shattered.

I remember lying in my bed with my older sister handing me tissues as I sobbed into my pillow. The only boy I had ever loved with all my being was gone, and I was the one who told him to leave.

A few months passed and I thought I was okay again. I hadn't thought about him in awhile, I stopped bringing him into conversations and I could finally listen to some of the songs he showed me when we were together. In my eyes, I was ready to jump back into the dating world; but boy, was I ever wrong.

One day a random boy slid into my DMs on Instagram and we hit it off. Within a week we were hanging out regularly and it seemed like things were going towards us starting a relationship. That's when I learned that he worked and was friends with my ex. The discovery of this caused a ball of anxiety to form in my chest; I was scared of the whole thing starting over.

We talked it out, and we came to the conclusion that I wasn't ready to date, but I was ready to be more than friends. Friends with benefits is what we decided on. This wasn't my first rodeo, not by far. A few days of texts were gone through before we saw each other again, this time specifically to get in, hookup and get out.

Everything went fine, just how we had thought it would. That was until I made the mistake of telling him jokingly that I left someones house at 3am a few days before. He connected it to the fact I had slept with someone else, which I had. He asked if that was the case and I told him yes. At that moment I felt a shift in the room and he looked me in the eye saying, "you know who you sound like? You sound exactly like him." (referencing my ex). Weirdly, my heart didn't sink, it just accepted that fact.

The next day I got texts from both him and my ex telling me we were done. Oddly, I was okay with this. In the end I lost both boys, but I gained something much more valuable; the understanding of my emotional state.

This experience taught me that I am not ready to be back in the dating pool, and that is okay. You don't need a boy (or anyone for that matter) to make you feel validated or okay with yourself. I made the error of trying too soon and came out bruising someone's heart. Sometimes in order to heal yourself you end up hurting someone else in the process. So to that boy, I am so very sorry, but thank you for teaching me to be honest with myself even when it hurts.

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