Whether you’re enjoying a one-time hookup or a long-term relationship, consent is always the first and foremost part of great sex. Consent is enthusiastic, continuous, conscious, and voluntary.
Just as a review, that means: consent cannot be given if a person isn’t sober. It isn’t consent if you have to convince and pressure your partner into it. It’s not consent if the relationship or safety is being threatened if sex is withheld. It’s not consent if you’ve had sex before, or if your partner said yes at first and then changed their mind.
If you are confused AT ALL about what consent is and isn’t, here are helpful guides from Laci Green:
Blue Seat Studios and Planned Parenthood that will answer all your questions.
The first step is making sure your partner is interested in any type of sexual activity with you. This is the simplest part of getting consent. If your partner is sober and enthusiastic, the first “yes” is a good start. Note that this is not the absence of “no." It’s a yes – and the sober and enthusiastic part is important too. Before you get into each other and out of your clothes, it’s a great idea to talk about boundaries. You don’t want to be that person that thinks you’re God’s gift to oral when really, your partner is super uncomfortable with your face in their bits and would prefer some passionate kissing as foreplay instead. Know your partner and respect their wishes, every time without exception.
Now that we’ve gotten past the basics of what consent IS, you’re probably concerned about how to keep asking for consent during your pants-less sexy times. There are tons of ways to do that, but here are three easy (and effective) methods.
1. Talk dirty to me.
Use dirty talk to spice up your sex life and make sure your partner is as into it as you are. Phrases like “Do you like that, baby?” and “Tell me what you like me to do” can be really hot – and a great way to get continuous consent.
2. Do what you want, what you want with my body.
The perfect example of show, not tell. Ask you partner to show you what they want or like, or have them place your hands. No words needed!
3. Get vocal.
Ask your partner to be more vocal during sex. Having a specific action or word that they can say when they don’t like an action you’re doing, and moaning or making more noise when they’re into it, can be a really helpful way to get consent and also learn how to make your partner feel even better.
It can seem intimidating to check in with your partner during sexual activity, but understand that it doesn’t seem weird to your partner – in fact, it’s really beneficial to communicate during sex. It ensures that everyone involved is enjoying what’s happening and increases the odds that you’ll both get the O, this time and maybe again in the future. Nobody wants to have disappointing sex, so getting consent and keeping it throughout the entire experience is key.
