Writing has always been my escape. It’s given me a means of hope, and when I had no one to turn to, that white page was always there to greet me with open arms. I never had a great appreciation for the computer and the way your fingers hit the keystrokes so abrasively. Being able to hold something concrete in my hand, and have the pens tip gently glide across the page is a unexplainable feeling. I never realized that I would go through my early teens turning to poetry to held cope with my teenage angst. I never thought a college-ruled notebook would soothe my soul like it did.
The way writing made me feel was something explainable. I would write about my desire to go to public school and my heart that would never be put back together. Who knew I'd be fifty poems deep of broken hearts and boys I cant even remember their name. I will always remember Chad and listening to the "Plain White T's" as my Honda Civic drove me home from a night of making out in the back seat. I think he started the trend of "bloody hearts and empty bedrooms". I'm so dramatic, but you love it. Look for yourself:
I studied journalism for my first year and then realized, this isn’t for me. I had no passion in writing these stories about the economy and what financial crisis we were going through. I tried, I really did. I enjoyed reading the news, but I wanted to bring a personal emotion to my writing. I wanted to write what I wanted to write, set the tone, and be able to completely transform my reader’s perspective of whatever the fuck I was talking about. I used to think this was going to be my career. I would be able to just write my feelings all day and go home smiling because I loved what I did. I would graduate with a degree in journalism and find myself with my own column reflecting on the latest novel out that changed some little girls life.
By the way, "The Canterbury Tales" totally kicked my ass. Why that even class is beyond me. It was an actual class that I went to three times a week at 8 a.m. to listen to 24 stories of middle English. It was brutal.
When I graduated, I didn't even realize that I was doing everything but writing. I became so obsessed with the idea of this newly found freedom, and that horrible smell of the New York air to have any time to focus. I got a big girl job working in retail and moved my way over to recruiting. The only thing I was writing down was my candidates' social security numbers. I won't lie, I’m fucking good at my job, but writing will always have a place in my sad, teen heart.
I realized that getting paid for my passion, wanting to be something when I grow up, having this dream, can have a lot of different meanings. I’m not a journalist or a blogger, but I am a writer, a poet, “a brain...and an athlete...and a basket case...a princess...and a criminal”.
